Asexuality – Readers tell what it’s like not having sex

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Kanye West’s ex-girlfriend Julia Fox has revealed that she is asexual. She is not alone in this, as some 20-Minute readers tell us.

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In her podcast, actress Julia Fox talks about her asexuality.

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Rapper Kanye West's ex-girlfriend says: 'I don't need sex.  I'll say openly that I'm asexual.

Rapper Kanye West’s ex-girlfriend says: ‘I don’t need sex. I’ll say openly that I’m asexual.”

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A few months ago, 23-year-old Marie* found out that she was asexual:

A few months ago, 23-year-old Marie* found out that she was asexual: “I’ve had sex before, and I didn’t feel anything, on the contrary – I was disgusted.”

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  • Kanye West’s ex Julia Fox reveals in a podcast that she doesn’t feel like having sex.

  • No sex, no masturbation and no other kind of tenderness – that’s how three readers of the 20-minute community live, as they tell us.

  • According to couples counselor David Siegenthaler, asexuality is not an illness that can be treated away.

If you search for “asexuality”, the definition is: “Asexual people have little or no desire for sex with other people. They feel little or no sexual attraction and have little or no interest in sexual interaction with other people.”

This apparently also includes Julia Fox, the ex-girlfriend of US rapper Kanye West. In her podcast “Forbidden Fruits” she comments on her asexuality: “I don’t need sex. I’ll say openly that I’m asexual.” This is also the case for some readers of the 20-Minute Community.

“During sex, I just wondered when it would finally be over”

A few months ago, 23-year-old Marie* found out that she was asexual: «I’ve had sex before, but only to appear normal. I didn’t feel anything at all, on the contrary – I just kept asking myself when it would finally be over. I felt uncomfortable and even disgusted with it. It’s clear to me: I don’t want sex anymore. I don’t masturbate either, because tenderness isn’t for me. It stresses me when the other person really wants it.

I know that’s wrong, that’s why dating is rather difficult for me. Because when I meet someone and develop feelings for that person, I never imagine in my imagination that we would exchange intimacy. I want a purely platonic relationship – but that’s selfish because for most people sex is part of it.”

“Just because I don’t want sex doesn’t make me a real man? What a crap!”

Mike* (28) is also asexual, but differs from other readers: «I feel sexual attraction, but very rarely really want to have sex. Sleeping with someone twice a year is enough for me. Other caresses like cuddling and kissing are much more important to me anyway.

Although I like to live this way and I’m perfectly fine with it, I’ve always been labeled as abnormal by others. I can not comprehend that. Just because I don’t have as great a drive as others doesn’t mean I’m a real man? What a crap!”

«Not everyone wants and needs sex!»

32-year-old Nadia* often felt like an alien, as she says: “Unlike my girlfriends, who were interested in sex at an early age, I never felt the need to become intimate with anyone.

I’ve never had sex – but it’s still difficult for me to say so openly, because it’s immediately assumed that something is wrong with me. And no, ‘I don’t just have to be thoroughly worked through’! Not everyone wants and needs sex!»

David Siegenthaler is a sex and couples counselor for couples counseling and mediation in the canton of Zurich.

David Siegenthaler is a sex and couples counselor for couples counseling and mediation in the canton of Zurich.

Couple counseling and mediation in the canton of Zurich

Mr Siegenthaler, how widespread is asexuality in Switzerland?

Most studies assume two percent of asexual people – that would be over 170,000 in Switzerland. However, there are no exact figures. It is important to emphasize that this is not a disease. It is usually not a phase, nor can it be trained or treated away. This is a sexual orientation such as hetero- or homosexuality.

How do you know if you’re asexual?

You feel little or no sexual desire yourself. Sex and sexual depictions are not attractive to asexuals, but rather boring. However, some have an active libido and still want to masturbate. Only the urge or desire to have sex with another person does not exist.

How can you deal with your own asexuality?

Giving yourself time to understand and accept who you are is the most important thing. It’s also good to find like-minded people or a community.

What if the partner is asexual?

The same applies here as in other relationships: the needs in a partnership will never completely cover one another, you always have to stay in dialogue. In this particular case, one should first clarify what forms of attraction exist. Once you’ve figured that out, you can work with it.

For some of those affected, neither masturbation nor other tenderness is an option.

As long as it’s true for you, that’s fine. Some members of society, family or friends may not understand this. A good explanation is needed here. It needs understanding, as this is not about renunciation, because asexuals do not feel this pleasure in the first place.

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