Written = Seonwoo Hyeonjeong (Clinical Psychologist/Mental Health Clinical Psychologist)
As the children of acquaintances grow older, the kinds of questions they ask seem to change. When children were young, there were many questions about whether there were developmental problems or not, and in infancy and early school age, there were many questions about learning, such as English kindergartens or hagwons. As more children enter the upper grades of elementary school, they hear a lot of new questions.
“What can I do to improve my child’s self-esteem?”
That was an interesting question. It felt like the parents around them knew what was most important to their child. ‘Self-esteem’ feels like there is no substance, but in fact, I think it’s the most important thing for a growing child.
Children with high self-esteem can discover and focus on what they like and are good at. Also, in the process of communicating with friends, we form good relationships by properly adjusting our thoughts and emotions. It’s a separate issue from studying well, but a child can grow into a bright and healthy child.
The reason why a child with high self-esteem can grow into a healthy child is because he has confidence in himself. A self-assured child knows what to do and what to keep him occupied with pleasure. And she enjoys the sensation itself and is free to carve out a career path.
Even in relationships with other children, they accept the other person’s intentions as they are without misunderstanding or distorting them, and are good at expressing their thoughts or controlling their emotions. This is because you are well aware of the impact your actions have on the other person, and you also have faith in what kind of reaction will come back from the other person. As a result, it is bound to be popular among friends.
How does a child develop self-esteem?
In psychology, if you are asked to choose the most important thing in forming a child’s self-image, of course, ‘parents’ will be the first. This is because parents are the most important others who are always by your side from the moment your child is born.
Children create images of themselves through their parents, and form their beliefs about others through relationships with their parents. In psychology, this process is called ‘mirroring’, which means that we form an image of ourselves and the world through responses from significant others, like looking at ourselves in a mirror. Parents’ healthy reflection helps children build a positive and solid self-image, which develops into self-respect.
Reflection does not happen at a specific time. It is something that happens naturally throughout daily life and appears from all the attitudes of parents.
Listen sincerely to what your child has to say
Parents who respect their children don’t just dismiss their children’s words as ‘children’s words’. Always listen with sincere interest in why the child said that and what it means. This is evident from the non-verbal attitude of parents. While the child is talking, stop what you are doing and adjust your body direction to the child, lower your back to meet the child’s eye level, give a sincere answer and listen to the end even if it seems meaningless, etc. no see.
If we look back at our usual appearance for a moment, we can see that there are many cases of unintentionally ignoring the child’s words. Because I have to continue cleaning, I do not look back at my child, and in a busy state, I do not make eye contact with my child and answer dryly. So the child may raise her voice and try to get her parent’s attention.
Showing your child that you respect them should start with these little non-verbal attitudes.
Negative evaluation doesn’t hurt
Of course, healthy reflection is primarily expressed through language. Of course, you should refrain from ignoring the child. Words that negatively evaluate a child’s attributes themselves, such as “I knew you would do that”, “It’s a start again”, and “You do that to meet”, are the most dangerous. At first, the child will feel resentful and say, ‘I didn’t do that on purpose’ or ‘I’m not that kind of child’, but if these negative evaluations are repeated, such words will settle deep in the child’s unconscious.
Of course, parents are people too, and when they get emotional, they may say these hurtful things. If you unintentionally say something hurtful, you must apologize and explain it to your child. In order to retrieve what you said in anger, you must explain that ‘you are not that kind of child’ with specific examples that the child has been doing. A mere apology is meaningless.
Involve your child in the decision-making process
Parents who respect their children also often ask what their children think. Rather than passively following the rules set by parents, it involves the child as a member of most decision-making processes. In the process, the child naturally feels that he is an important person in her family.
There are endless opportunities for children to participate in the decision-making process, such as letting children choose the snack menu they want to eat when they are young, and choosing places they want to travel when they grow up or choosing a school they want to attend. We must not forget that children are not our property and are important members of our family.
In fact, if you talk like this, there is no separate skill to raise a child’s self-esteem. You can just always know that the attitude of respecting the child as a person from the bottom of your heart is the most important thing.
A sincere attitude of respect for the child is transmitted to the child as it is, and as a result, the child learns to care for and love himself.
Written by Sunwoo Hyeonjeong (Clinical Psychologist / Mental Health Clinical Psychologist [email protected])
I am a clinical psychologist working in the Department of Psychiatry. In particular, we are focusing on the mental health of children/adolescents, and we welcome communication in this regard.