That’s it. You’re finally slumped on your sofa after a long day at work. On the other side of the room, your lover stares at you. The lustful eye, ready for an impulsive outburst. But there. You just want to roll up like sushi in the quilted duvet, your hands along your body like an Egyptian mummy. For some time – despite the feelings you have for your partner – your sex life has been dormant.
What if fatigue was the simple explanation for this drop in interest? “In consultation, when I dig into the habits of couples, it is not uncommon for fatigue to be one of the main reasons for a drop in desire.confirms Sébastien Landry, clinical sexologist. Work, children, a busy schedule… exhaustion sets in, and sex is no longer the priority. This situation can create suffering or frustration in some couples.” With Martin Chartogne, postdoctoral researcher on fatigue at Nantes University, Sébastien Landry co-wrote the book Sexuality broken down, and if it was fatigue? Definition, explanations, solutions… the clinical sexologist deciphers this phenomenon for us and helps couples find solutions.
What do we mean by “fatigue”?
Although there is no consensus around its definition, it can be defined as a feeling of exhaustion, weariness following an intense physical or mental effort, as well as a lack of rest or sleep. . Two main categories of fatigue can be listed. Acute fatigue is one that everyone has already encountered. It is said to be “reactive” to a given situation, and therefore has no negative effect for the person concerned. Chronic fatigue is totally different. Its diagnosis is made when it persists beyond six months. This form of fatigue, called pathological, leads over time to the weakening of the immune system, which makes it more vulnerable to infections and diseases. The whole body weakens, giving a feeling of unease and general weakness. Overwork at work, too long and busy days, lack of sleep are often the main reasons. This exhaustion can lead to a decrease or disappearance of sexual desire.
Why such an impact on privacy?
From a psychic point of view, the libido as well as the sexual desire need a certain vitality and an availability of spirit to express themselves, which fatigue does not allow. Indeed, in case of prolonged fatigue, the body needs to recover, and the brain demands to concentrate on vital needs such as eating or sleeping. He will therefore naturally put sexuality aside and do everything to prevent it from being possible: all the erotic imagination, fantasies and impulses are put to sleep in order to ensure the recovery of the body.
Are there also physiological changes? This physical or psychological exhaustion can lead to vaginal dryness for women and erection difficulties for men. The body has trouble reacting to stimulation, and the sexual act is more complicated.
Should the decline in desire over time worry the couple?
No, it is normal and very common. Don’t blame yourself because it happens to everyone. However, it must be kept in mind that for life as a couple – even when you are exhausted – it is important to keep moments of tenderness with your partner so as not to move away from them. (read below). Differences in sexual desire are not easy to manage, but they can be overcome through communication, understanding and acceptance of fluctuations in libido.
When should you consult?
From the moment this fatigue creates tension in the couple, or one of the two partners suffers from the situation. First of all, you have to think about the medical consultation. It is important to rule out a medical cause for fatigue or sexual problems. If necessary, it is also possible to consult a sex therapist, who will give advice to boost desire. Remember that our society advocates performance in sexuality, but there are no rules. It is not compulsory or systematic in the couple and above all, there is no standard on the frequency of sexual intercourse or on practices. The most important thing is that both partners feel fulfilled. With or without sex.
What solutions to rekindle the flame?
In case of fatigue, and if it impacts the life of a couple, do not hesitate to shake up your habits in order to revive desire. Sébastien Landry gives us some tips.
Boost sexual desire
Reading erotic books is a great way to awaken sexual desire. “It activates the erotic imagination. It’s as if the sexual desire received a dose of fuel to restart. »
Plan a moment for the couple
If the partners have busy schedules, do not hesitate to plan a moment for two. “It is not a question of planning a date to have sex, but rather of planning a privileged moment without children, without screens, without laptops. A candlelit dinner, massages… During this exchange, the heads of both partners will be freer. Very often, these moments of relaxation and exchanges are naturally accompanied by a moment of sexuality. »
Raise the desire
When one of the partners comes home tired in the evening, while the other has a desire for sex, there is nothing more frustrating than feeling out of step. “ For the two people to be on the same wavelength, do not hesitate to send sexts during the day to signal your intentions. Thus, once the couple meet in the evening, there is no surprise effect. We know that we meet for a moment of intimacy and we are prepared for it. »
Test the “quickies” method
If the partners are tired, lovemaking can also be cut short to have the benefits of pleasure without consuming too much time and energy. It’s called ‘quickies’. “I often advise couples to masturbate or take a shower together. These are quick moments that don’t take a lot of time and can be good for both partners. »
Did you know ?
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, it is rare for fatigue to slow down the ardor of the partners. For what ?“Because there is the excitement of novelty, deciphers Sébastien Landry. This very pleasant sensation gives a boost of energy. Here again, the brain plays an important role, via the reward circuit. The latter directs all our behaviors and encourages us to repeat pleasant experiences learned during life. What could be more intoxicating than a romantic encounter with the excitement and discovery of the beginning of a relationship? »