The “Shrekking” Dating Trend: Why Seeking Control in Love Is a Losing Game
TikTok is awash with confessions. Stories of “getting Shrekked” – dumped after being deliberately pursued by someone they perceived as ‘out of their league’ – are going viral. But this isn’t just a Gen Z phenomenon; it’s a symptom of a deeper, and increasingly common, dynamic in modern dating. Shrekking, the act of intentionally dating someone you consider beneath your standards to maintain control and receive excessive validation, is a risky strategy built on flawed assumptions, and one that’s poised to become even more prevalent – and problematic – as dating apps continue to gamify relationships.
The Allure of the Power Imbalance
At its core, Shrekking stems from a desire for power. The belief is simple: date someone who feels grateful just to be with you, and they’ll be more willing to overlook flaws, cater to your needs, and avoid conflict. It’s a transactional approach to intimacy, echoing Obi-Wan Kenobi’s “high ground” strategy from Star Wars. But unlike a strategic battle, relationships require mutual respect and equality. This isn’t about compromise or seeing potential; it’s about deliberately seeking someone easily impressed.
Why the Shrek Analogy Sticks
The choice of Shrek as the symbol is telling. Initially presented as an unattractive and gruff ogre, Shrek embodies the perceived ‘inferiority’ that Shreckers seek. However, the Shrek franchise cleverly subverts this trope, revealing inner beauty and challenging superficial judgments. Ironically, the very story used to mock the practice also highlights its inherent flaws. As relationship expert Esther Perel notes in her work on modern relationships, lasting connection requires vulnerability and a willingness to see beyond surface-level qualities.
The Flawed Foundations of Shrekking
The entire premise of Shrekking rests on several shaky assumptions. First, it assumes a universally agreed-upon dating hierarchy. But desirability is subjective. What one person finds attractive or valuable, another may not. A high income might impress some, while others prioritize emotional intelligence or shared values. Second, it assumes everyone accurately assesses their own worth. Dating profiles are often curated illusions, and self-perception rarely aligns with reality. Someone seemingly ‘beneath’ you might possess hidden strengths, while you might overestimate your own appeal.
The Illusion of Static Value
Perhaps the most significant flaw is the assumption that people remain static. Careers evolve, appearances change, and priorities shift. The power dynamic that initially attracted a Shrecker can quickly erode as the other person gains confidence, achieves success, or simply re-evaluates their needs. What feels like the “high ground” today could easily become a precarious position tomorrow. Just as quickly as Dogecoin’s value can plummet, so too can perceived status within a relationship.
The Future of Shrekking: Amplified by Technology
Dating apps, with their emphasis on swiping and superficial profiles, are inadvertently fueling the Shrekking trend. The sheer volume of potential partners encourages a ‘marketplace’ mentality, where individuals are treated as commodities to be ranked and assessed. Algorithms that prioritize attractiveness and social status further reinforce the idea of a dating hierarchy. As AI-powered dating coaches become more prevalent, we may see a rise in strategies explicitly designed to exploit power imbalances, potentially normalizing Shrekking on a wider scale.
The Rise of “Power Dating” Apps?
Imagine an app that explicitly matches users based on perceived ‘status’ or ‘desirability scores.’ While currently hypothetical, the technology exists to create such a platform. This could lead to a more overt and calculated form of Shrekking, where individuals actively seek partners they believe will be easily controlled. The ethical implications are significant, potentially exacerbating existing inequalities and fostering unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Beyond Control: The Path to Genuine Connection
While Shrekking might offer a temporary ego boost, it ultimately undermines the foundations of a healthy relationship. True connection requires vulnerability, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow together. Instead of seeking control, focus on self-awareness. Why do you feel the need to be ‘on top’ in a relationship? Addressing these underlying insecurities is crucial for building lasting intimacy. If you find yourself consistently drawn to power imbalances, consider exploring these patterns with a therapist or counselor.
Ultimately, the most fulfilling relationships aren’t about who has the upper hand, but about finding someone who complements your strengths, challenges your weaknesses, and supports your growth. What are your thoughts on the evolving dynamics of modern dating? Share your experiences in the comments below!
