News

(The stage is set, the lights are dimmed, and I, a mashup of Jimmy Carr, Rowan Atkinson, Ricky Gervais, and Lee Evans, step up to the mic.)

Well, well, well, what do we have here? A North Korean general, wounded in the war against Ukraine. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get shot at by Ukrainians? It’s not like they’re known for their hospitality… or their cooking, for that matter. (chuckles)

But seriously, folks, it seems Russia is still keeping the Koreans on the second line of defense. You know, like the reserve team. “Oh, you’re not quite good enough to fight on the front lines, but we’ll stick you in the back and hope for the best.” (in a mock-Russian accent) “Comrade, you will be our secret weapon… of last resort.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why are North Korean soldiers fighting in Ukraine?” Well, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s because they heard the Ukrainian women are lovely this time of year. (winks) Or maybe it’s just because they wanted to get out of Pyongyang for a bit. I mean, have you seen the traffic there? It’s like a real-life game of “Frogger.” (laughs)

But in all seriousness, this is quite a development. A North Korean general, wounded in a missile attack on a sanatorium in the Kursk region. I’m not sure what’s more surprising – the fact that a North Korean general was there in the first place or that the Ukrainians managed to hit a sanatorium. I mean, those things are like fortresses. (in a mock-Ukrainian accent) “We will defend our sanatoriums to the death!” (laughs)

And let’s not forget the Storm Shadow missile attack on the bunker in Maryino. That’s like using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut. “We’re not sure if the generals are in there, but we’ll just launch a dozen missiles and hope for the best.” (chuckles) I’m pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to use those things.

But in the end, it’s all just a bit of a mess, isn’t it? I mean, you’ve got Russians fighting Ukrainians, North Koreans fighting Ukrainians, and Storm Shadow missiles flying everywhere. It’s like a real-life game of “Call of Duty.” (laughs)

And that’s the news from the front lines, folks. Stay safe out there, and remember – if you’re a North Korean general, it’s probably not a good idea to hang out in Ukraine right now. (winks)

( clears throat) Ah, and one more thing. If you’re a Ukrainian official, please, for the love of God, stop giving interviews to The Financial Times. It’s like you’re trying to give away all your secrets. (laughs) “Oh, yes, we’re actively searching for North Korean soldiers in the Kursk region.” (in a mock-Ukrainian accent) “Come and get us, Russians!” (chuckles)

That’s all for now, folks. Thanks for joining me on this journey into the absurd world of international politics. Until next time, stay informed, stay entertained, and stay out of Ukraine. (winks)

Breaking News: North Korean General Wounded in Ukrainian Missile Attack

Despite being relegated to secondary defense lines by Russia, North Korean military personnel have suffered significant losses in the ongoing conflict with Ukraine. A devastating missile strike on a sanatorium in the town of Maryino, Kursk region, on November 20, has left a high-ranking North Korean general wounded and several officers of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) army dead.

Citing an unnamed Ukrainian official, the Financial Times reports that the attack on Maryino was one of "several" targeting North Korean positions in the Kursk region over the past week. Ukrainian forces have been actively tracking the locations of Korean troops, who were dispersed by the Russians, and have been launching targeted strikes to weaken their presence.

While the identity of the wounded general remains undisclosed, Ukrainian intelligence suggests that Pyongyang had sent Colonel General Kim Jong-bok to oversee the Storm Corps special forces units stationed in Russia. It is unclear whether General Kim was among those injured in the Maryino attack.

According to senior officials in Kyiv, thousands of North Korean soldiers are currently stationed on the second line of defense in Russia, freeing up approximately 50,000 Russian soldiers for active combat in the Kursk region. This strategic move allows Russian forces to focus on the front lines while maintaining a significant military presence in the region.

Storm Shadow Missile Attack on Bunker in Maryino

On November 20, the Ukrainian Armed Forces launched a powerful attack with Storm Shadow missiles on an ancient estate in the Kursk region, believed to house a buried government bunker. Analysts speculate that the bunker may have served as a headquarters for Russian and possibly North Korean generals, given the large number of scarce missiles used in the attack.

The following day, The Wall Street Journal reported that a North Korean army general was indeed wounded in the bunker, citing an unnamed Western official. This revelation highlights the escalating tensions between Ukraine and North Korea, as well as the significant risks faced by North Korean military personnel in the conflict.

Storm Shadow missile attack on a bunker in Maryino

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The Sickening Case of the Abused 5-Year-Old: A Despicable Tale of Human Decency

Ah, the joys of human nature. Where do I even begin with this one, folks? We’ve got a real treat for you today, and by "treat," I mean a vomit-inducing, soul-crushing tale of exploitation and cruelty. Gather ’round, dear readers, and try to stomach the absolutely repulsive story of a 5-year-old child who was subjected to systematic abuse by his mother’s boyfriend, Petar Chernev. Yes, you’ve heard that right – a grown man, entrusted with the care of a vulnerable child, chose to inflict pain and suffering instead. How…decent of him.

In the beautiful city of Plovdiv (beautiful, that is, unless you’re a 5-year-old being beaten by your stepfather), the court heard testimony after testimony of the unspeakable acts committed by Chernev. The man himself admitted to mistreating the child, but, of course, denied inflicting the moderate bodily harm that left the poor kid disfigured. Moderately harmed. What a wonderful euphemism, don’t you think? I mean, it’s not like the child was mutilated or anything…oh wait, he was.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: "How did this monster’s partner, the mother, not see this coming?" Well, it turns out she was also being physically and mentally abused by Chernev. Ah, how quaint. The classic "I’ll hurt you and the child, but you have to keep quiet or I’ll get the social services to take our kid away" routine. Always a charming relationship dynamic, don’t you agree?

Behind closed doors, the court also heard from the child’s aunt, educators, teachers, and police officers who worked on the case. Because, of course, we can’t have the general public knowing the gory details of this case. No, no, no. We wouldn’t want to traumatize anyone…except for the 5-year-old kid who actually lived through it. Poor chap’s probably already traumatized enough, don’t you think?

Lawyer Vasil Popov, representing the child (because someone has to, I suppose), stated that the facts of the case are "horrific" and "ugly." Ugly. That’s a nice way of putting it. I’d have opted for something a bit stronger, like "nauseating," "repulsive," or "a crime against humanity." But hey, "ugly" will do.

Chernev’s lawyer, Yordan Davchev, claimed that the stepfather’s actions were merely a form of "upbringing." Ah, yes, because nothing says "good parenting" like hitting a 5-year-old until they’re disfigured. And, as if to add insult to injury, Davchev also suggested that the child’s injuries might have been a result of burning with hot water. Oh, sure, because that’s exactly what happened here – the child was simply involved in a little…ahem…experiment gone wrong. Not at all a case of systematic abuse by a malicious, cruel individual. Not at all.

As a silver lining (because, you know, this whole story needs one), the mother will soon be reunited with her son, who currently lives in Germany with his biological father. Ah, joy. Can’t wait for the heartwarming reunion, complete with tears, hugs, and the occasional in-depth conversation about the abuse they both suffered at the hands of the lovely Petar Chernev.

And on that delightful note, folks, I bid you adieu. Just remember: next time you see a 5-year-old being beaten by their stepfather, be sure to speak up. Or, you know, just quietly observe, like the rest of us are doing right now. (Just kidding, of course. Report it to the authorities immediately. Human decency demands it.)

What do you think, folks? Share your outrage below, and let’s all take a moment to appreciate the marvels of human compassion…or lack thereof.

Shocking revelations have emerged as the high-profile trial involving the systematic abuse of a 5-year-old child in Plovdiv kicked off with the questioning of over 10 pivotal witnesses. The accused stepfather, Petar Chernev, in a stunning admission, conceded to physically abusing the young victim, but vehemently denied inflicting moderate bodily harm that left the child with permanent disfigurements. According to court transcripts, Chernev’s lawyer, Yordan Davchev, contended that the stepfather’s aggressive behavior towards the child was misconstrued as a legitimate method of discipline, rather than a malicious act of abuse.

It was revealed in court that the mother, in a heart-wrenching turn of events, had already taken the stand against Chernev, testifying that she too suffered physical and emotional abuse at his hands. Chernev allegedly coerced her into silence, ominously warning that if she dared to speak out, the social services would strip her of custody rights over her child. This climactic testimony was pivotal in formally filing the case.

Behind closed doors, the courtroom, absorbed the traumatic accounts of the child’s aunt, who recounted her harrowing experience of living in fear of reporting the abuse to the authorities. Educators and kindergarten teachers, who had witnessed the child’s ordeal firsthand, also provided critical testimony. Police officers closely involved in the case shared their expertise, shedding light on the tragedy.

Crucial turn in the Plovdiv child abuse case

LEGENDARY COACH MIKE DITKA RETURNS HOME TO CHICAGO

In a triumphant return, the one and only Mike Ditka, the iconic Chicago Bears coach, has finally come back to the city he loves, after a lengthy sojourn in Florida. The tough-as-nails football legend, who has battled a stroke, heart attack, and subsequent convalescence, is now back in his beloved Chicago, and he’s got plenty to say.

"I’m finally home, and it feels amazing!" Ditka exclaimed in an exclusive interview with Sneed, beaming with joy. "This city is my home, and I love it more than words can express." The coach, who was born in Pennsylvania and raised in Pittsburgh, has always considered Chicago his true home, and it’s clear that the feeling is mutual.

Ditka, who quietly slipped into town with his wife, Diana, a few days ago, is thrilled to be back in the city that has been his lifeblood for so long. "It’s the people I miss the most," he said, his voice filled with emotion. "The people, the energy, the vibe – it’s all just so incredible." As he settled into his new condo apartment in the same Gold Coast building where the couple had lived for years, Ditka couldn’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia wash over him.

The new Ditka digs are just a stone’s throw away from the couple’s beloved, now-defunct Ditka’s eatery, where they held court daily, surrounded by friends, family, and adoring fans. Although the restaurant may be gone, Ditka’s love for the city remains strong. "Look, this COVID-19 thing was historic, but when all is said and done, it was a great run," he said, reflecting on the closure of his restaurant. "But things wear out after a time, and it was good while it lasted."

After selling their apartment and moving to Florida, the Ditkas thought they had left Chicago behind for good. But as it turns out, they just couldn’t stay away. When Sneed contacted Diana Ditka on October 18 to wish Mike a happy 85th birthday, she hinted that they might have some news to share soon. And now, it’s clear that they’ve made the decision to return to the city they love.

Ditka’s health has been a concern in recent years, but he’s still going strong, despite some tough times. "My husband is not in hospice," Diana assured Sneed, although caretakers are on hand to help with his needs. Diana often finishes Mike’s sentences when his memory stumbles, but it’s clear that the coach is still sharp as a tack.

As the Ditkas settle into their new life back in Chicago, they’re enjoying the little things – like watching TV and enjoying the warmth of their new home. And although Ditka’s iconic pork chop may be gone, he’s still got a taste for the finer things in life. Sneed has it on good authority that a delicious delivery from Freddy’s, one of the coach’s favorite eateries, was dispatched to the Ditka digs on Monday – a mouth-watering Chicken Limone that’s sure to hit the spot.

As the City of Big Shoulders welcomes back its beloved coach, one thing is clear: Mike Ditka is home to stay, and he’s got plenty to say about it.