2024-02-24 21:07:19
Does your friend use these toxic phrases? Then it’s time to quit
Friendship is a wonderful thing, and it should give us beautiful feelings such as trust and reassurance, and that someone is there for us. But some friendships can turn toxic, leaving scars that make us want to withdraw completely.
Psychologist and expert in human connection, belonging, and friendship, Marisa Franco, helps people recognize the signs of toxic relationships. “The most toxic friends often use subtle and deceptive forms of aggression,” she said in a CNBC report.
Here are eight phrases that will help you spot the subtle signs of a toxic friendship, according to Franco.
1- You are very sensitive
When friends say, “You’re too sensitive,” they’re implying that your feelings are incorrect, and that there’s something wrong with you for having those feelings.
But expressing your feelings is a healthy part of any friendship, and being told you’re too sensitive may indicate that your friend lacks empathy.
2- I was just joking… Can’t you take a joke?!
Good friends are responsive and try to meet your needs. When you tell a friend that you are hurt by his words, the response should be to try to understand why and modify his behavior.
In the case of a toxic friendship, they may instead say things like: “Can’t you take a joke?!” As a defense to camouflage hurtful comments and avoid accountability.
3- You are lucky because I am your friend
Healthy friendships are built on equality. You are both invested and neither of you is seen as better than the other.
If you hear your friend constantly asserting their superiority, or suggesting that you should be grateful for their presence, it may be a sign of an imbalanced and unappreciated relationship.
4- I miss the person I used to be
Friends should allow you to be who you are, whether it fits their personal values or not, and encourage you to change and grow.
If your friend expresses discomfort with positive changes, or worse, undermines your progress, it may be a sign that you have outgrown the friendship, or that your friend does not have your best interests in mind.
5- You owe me
While reciprocity is important, if a friend expects you to repay everything they give, it may mean that they view the relationship as transactional.
When you get close to someone you begin to include them in your sense of self. What hurts them hurts you and what makes them happy makes you happy. That’s why good friends feel comfortable being generous.
6- I wonder: Why did they give you this promotion?
Having a friend who belittles your achievements or tries to exaggerate your ability to succeed reduces your self-confidence and joy.
In healthy friendships, friends engage in what’s called “capitalization,” adding to your joy by cheerfully congratulating you or taking you to celebrate.
7- I’m sorry you feel this way
True reconciliation requires each party to acknowledge the harm they have caused. When a friend apologizes to you because you feel a certain way, he is implying that the problem is your feelings and not his behavior.
If expressing your concerns or setting boundaries is met with dismissive comments like these, your friend doesn’t take responsibility for their impact on you.
8- Ignoring you as if you were just a ghost
The loss of a friendship often leads to what is called “disenfranchised grief,” an experience that occurs because society downplays friendship and does not legitimize the seriousness of the loss. This sadness is compounded when you don’t even know why a friend is withdrawing.
One study found that being ignored makes you feel hurt and sad and lowers your self-esteem. Even if they want to end the friendship, friends should show respect for you by telling you explicitly.
But Franco also pointed out that one phrase cannot diagnose a friendship as toxic, and she advised that a person ask himself these questions before diagnosing a friendship as toxic:
Do they show up when I need them?
Do they want what’s best for me?
Is there a balance where all our needs are met?
“If you find that these statements reflect a larger toxic dynamic, it may be a sign to step back, set boundaries, or have an honest conversation and move on,” she said.
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