Laura Collavini *
After having obtained that possible physical place to study, it is important to take into consideration the mode of communication between parents and children. It’s the hardest part.
Looking for a student apartment. repeating words at this time where many adolescents migrate to other provinces in search of a new life. Pursue a career, look for college and find the personal path.
It shows a change not only personal, but family. Obviously the person who leaves the family will find most of the change, however, the rest of the members are affected.
Let us remember that in family systems what happens to one member affects everyone. Like links in a chain. If one moves, so does the rest. Adapting to this new situation implies a process with many edges where fear, anxiety, demand, anguish, emotion, joy and many other instances may be included.
It is interesting to be able to look at it from different angles, “to put yourself at each other’s feet” but before this exercise I am going to transmit a question that was asked to me recently, quite logical. Why is the profession to be chosen called “career”? Isn’t it supposed to be a process, years of learning that should be done consciously and serenely, why “career”? With whom do you compete? Do you win or lose?
Looking at it from this perspective then, if we can get rid of the demand to win, lose or hurry, we begin to get rid of anxiety or fear of frustration. I wonder, what would it be to lose, for example? Finding that the choice of university or profession is not the desired one, does not meet expectations, would that be losing? Is it a frustration? Do we have the capacity to experience it as part of the process?
Besides, Adolescents who leave their homes suffer, at least in the early days, the pressure to adapt to places that they were not used to. Learning to manage in cities that are generally larger than where they were born, with different rhythms, people, customs, climate, etc.
As the boys say and I agree, it’s a lot. Cooking, cleaning, adapting to the study rhythms of the university. Taking into account that the family makes an economic effort for them to be there, missing, not having the usual friends. They are very intense movements like waves that are necessary to cross to reach the shore. The process is the wave that must be traversed.
Everyone has their time. The parents and the boys. Brothers. Periods of adaptation where everything can be present. Now, let’s find the feet of the parents.
In general there are mixed emotions. The desire that they can fly and the fear of what will come. The insecurity if they can be responsible and the confidence of the upbringing they received. Control of every day. What did they eat, where are they, with whom, how do they feel, if they study, where do they buy food, how much do they spend, how do they organize themselves to study and many others, etc.
Letting them go is not that simple, of course. The wings are just beginning to unfold and the world is full of dangers. Children can come to experience these questions as pressures. How not to do it, right? If there is so much movement displayed. We know that pressure is not a good ally, not for a long time. Maybe in a short career, but not for a life change.
So? My big allied questions are always: “What?” And how?
The first is related to the objective: What is being done? The answer could be: Accompany my son / daughter to grow, to be happy, to look for their future or another. Okay. Until then it could be clear and concrete. The how?” It is the modality that will be used to achieve the objective.
After having obtained that possible physical place to study, it is extremely important to take into consideration the mode of communication between parents and children. It’s the hardest part, I know. However, it is our task as parents and it is necessary to see how it is addressed.
Accompany, consult, measure, but trust. All that. It’s also a lot. The road is full of mistakes and successes. Taking into account that they may be surprised and/or distressed or that, on the contrary, they found that they are not surprised at all, then the sensations that can be aroused in the family is also a change.
The brothers are not oblivious to all this movement. The position of the siblings is modified, the parents look at them with a different attitude. Daily movements, talks, debates, outings and fights are others. If the oldest leaves, the next one has the feeling that he is now the greatest. Another familiar order is observed.
Growth in itself. The ties are elasticated and perhaps this figure is useful for diving in the ability to drop and take as needed.
* Psychopedagogue. www.fundacionlauracollavini.org.