Before the party presidium: SPÖ buys a new table

Finally the time has come! The debate between Pamela Rendi-Wagner and Hans Peter Doskozil is imminent. In order to create a suitable framework for the internal conflict, the SPÖ bought a new table for the party headquarters.

VIENNA – A truck with a Russian license plate stops in Löwelstrasse. Eight workers heave a six meter long table off the loading area. It is probably the longest office desk in Europe. SPÖ boss Rendi-Wagner enthusiastically knocks on the white tabletop. “Please come up, okay? Unfortunately, we don’t have any more hackers in the party.”

The men look at her grimly, only a delivery to the front door was agreed. “I’ve got something for you too,” smiles Rendi-Wagner and gives the workers a €1.50 tip on the street. “Great table, but what would also be important to me are window bars, will you write that down, Christian?” She smiles, national manager Christian Deutsch nods. “Not that anyone ends up falling out by accident.”

Vienna vs. Burgenland

Deutsch looks at the account balance in his Netbanking app. “Heast, something’s missing, the Burgenlanders don’t want to pay for the table, should I call Eisenstadt?” Rendi-Wagner shakes his head while staring at the new table as if hypnotized. “He is perfect. No, that’s too complicated, just tell them normally via a today headline or an oe24.at special. Think we need for the coaster? Christian, please go quickly to Ikea, yes?”

Made to measure from the finest Lobau ash wood by the Ludwig & Sons woodcutters, it measures 6×1 m. The gold leaf ornaments come from the private collection of the Russian oligarch Alfred Gusenbauer. The table was cheaply made in southern Russia (Oberpullendorf). The pine chairs supplied are easy to saw into place, and integrated microphones stream the conversations held at the table live into the oe24 studio. The table cannot be extended, but it can be divided according to the party.

At the end of the table where Hans-Peter Doskozil will be sitting, carpenters are still screwing on handles. “So that he can hold on, he trembles and wobbles so much, his health is badly affected.” According to rumours, Doskozil is still suffering from the symptoms of the Uhudler tasting in Heiligenbrunn. The Burgenland dictator also regularly suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. When he sees pictures of Leo Hillinger, he falls to the ground and screams in mortal fear: “Not Zweigelt, not Zweigelt, aaaaaaaaah!”

Healthy discussion culture

Shortly thereafter. The table is standing and clean. Nothing now stands in the way of a total escalation. “It’s also long and wide enough so that we can all rip each other off, just like we like to do in the party,” Deutsch says happily.

The SPÖ is generally fighting with ever harder bandages. The Lower Austrian party leader Sven Hergovich was only admitted to the LKH Tulln this morning. He chopped off his hand in anger because the baker had run out of curd cheese. Lucky in disguise: Hergovich was observed by star director Martin McDonagh and cast for his next film “The Banshees of St. Pölten”.

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