2024-03-25 18:49:12
The Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton confided on social networks on Friday March 22 that she “took a while” to explain her cancer “in an appropriate way” to her children. A difficult ordeal for every parent.
“It took us a while to explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis.” Like any parent with cancer, the Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton, had to announce her illness to her children. A difficult step, counter-intuitive for many, but nevertheless essential.
“All studies have shown that it is beneficial to tell your children, regardless of their age, for psychological reasons. We might be tempted not to say it to protect them but we must talk about it,” assures Karen Kraeuter , clinical psychologist specializing in oncology interviewed by BFMTV.com.
Indeed, children, who feel a lot of adults’ emotions, are likely to notice that something is wrong, and naturally imagine the worst.
“I immediately knew that I didn’t want to hide it from them. I grew up with a sick father who didn’t always tell us everything, and I suffered a lot from it,” testified Sophie, who suffered from an aggressive form of cancer. breast, in October 2023 from the Huffington Post.
Caroline explains to the Roseup association that she was unable to announce it straight away to her 2 and a half year old son: “but he understood that something was happening, he started hitting me “, she confides.
If there is not a single right way to talk about it to your children – “you have to do as you feel, as it suits you” according to the psychologist – certain advice can be followed.
Within the home, with time on your hands
First, we must take the time for the parent to “digest”, “to absorb a little of what is happening to them” at the risk of otherwise “transmitting intense anxiety to the child,” underlined psychoanalyst Nicole Landry-Dattée in October 2021 on the set of La Maison des maternales on France 2.
It is also preferable to wait until you have a clear diagnosis but to talk about it before starting treatments, and therefore, before side effects appear. You should not hesitate to talk about it with the teams of psychologists in the dedicated centers to refine your strategy.
United Kingdom: Kate Middleton reveals she has cancer
“There is no best way to do it, but there are details to pay attention to, such as the place or the time frame that we choose,” notes child psychiatrist Anne Senequier in the columns of Le Point.
She adds: “We will also prefer our home – the child seeing it as a reassuring place, a refuge – rather than an external place […] We will also prefer to have time in front of us: not between two doors or at bedtime – the child finding himself alone, with unanswered questions.”
The Canadian Cancer Society also advises preparing your words, practicing out loud, or writing down your ideas before starting.
Age-appropriate words
Siblings can be informed collectively or individually. The words used could in fact be different depending on the age of the children.
“For little ones, the word cancer can be very abstract, it is better to talk about a ball for example,” suggests Karen Kraeuter.
Sophie, aged 37, at the time of her testimony explains having made her 5-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter “touch” her “ball” called “tumor” so that they “understand”.
The Canadian Cancer Society, however, suggests not “using euphemisms” that could make children “confused.” “If you just say that your child is sick, his siblings may misinterpret it. The next time his brother, for example, is sick with a cold, he may be afraid of having to go to the hospital and receive chemotherapy. It is best to use the specific word, to explain it and to dissociate it from words that are part of everyday life,” the charity explains on its website.
To help parents, tools exist such as books and adapted videos that allow children to visualize. Like the cartoon Special Mission: Charly is Sick which explains, through a journey in the body of a teddy bear, how cancer cells develop and how they are treated.
Avoid details
It is also advisable not to go into too much detail. Stick to the affected body part, treatments, possible side effects, and ask what else they would like to know.
Instead, we must “remain available to reactions and questions, adapt to the child’s character, their needs and their pace,” advises specialist Karen Kraeuter.
Children’s reactions may surprise parents. It is not uncommon for him to act as if nothing had happened after the announcement. “You have to wait for him to come back and talk about it, or if he doesn’t, give him a push, you have to open the door without forcing too much,” explains the psychologist. “You have to ask regularly if they have any questions.”
It is also important to prepare the child for the changes that will occur in his daily life, to continue to communicate afterwards and to make it clear to him that he can express his emotions, that he has the right to be sad, worried.
“Julie, my 7-year-old daughter, started crying. I told them that it was normal to be sad, to be afraid, to be angry, that we felt that way too and that “It was important to talk about it. To us, to their friends, to whoever they wanted,” says Sophie.
“It is not recommended to say that you are sure of recovery”
The child may ask their parent if they are going to die. “Parents are often disconcerted,” notes Karen Kraeuter, who advises “not to commit to things that are not certain.”
“It is not recommended to say that we are sure of recovery. It is better to say ‘the doctors and I are doing everything to ensure that this does not happen'”, she explains.
Children tend to feel guilty, especially those under the age of seven. “We have to explain to them that they have nothing to do with it, that it’s no one’s fault,” assures the psychologist. Just like the fact that it’s not contagious. “Most of the childhood illnesses they experience are contagious, such as gastro, the flu. Children can therefore be afraid, it is important to tell them that we can continue to give kisses, hugs…” , adds Karen Kraeuter.
Concerning hair loss, a side effect of chemotherapy, it is best to explain it to them, to show them drawings and images so that they can prepare themselves before it happens to adults. “You also have to respect if he doesn’t want to see. But often children adapt much better than we imagine, better than other adults,” notes Karen Kraeuter.
Monitor the child’s reactions over the long term
It is advisable to notify the school, especially when they are young, so that particular vigilance can be exercised, as at home, over their reactions. “Children rarely say that they are not well, but this will manifest itself in their behavior, their appetite, their sleep…”, notes the psychologist. Adolescents may in particular have a tendency to become withdrawn, to become aggressive, to become more difficult. Children, like parents, can also get help from a specialist. The Roseup association emphasizes that there are support groups for children with a sick parent and invites people to seek information from healthcare establishments.
In addition to the announcement, care must also be taken to ensure that the child does not take the place of the caregiver. “That they help, yes, but we must be careful that they do not think that it is up to them to look after their parent, and that they no longer do anything for themselves,” warns Karen Kraeuter who takes the example of a 9-year-old girl who “got up three to four times a night to check that her mother was breathing”.
Finally, in a secondary way, the latter advises to pay attention to “exceptional treatments”, to the relaxation of the educational framework. “We tend to be cooler, more flexible, but it is important to maintain a framework, to specify that these are exceptions. Otherwise, parents will struggle once the return to normal arrives.”
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