When a close relative spent more than a month in intensive care, solicitor‑turned‑PhD candidate Cianne Jones assumed the role of “hospital liaison” – chasing doctors, taking notes and demanding explanations each day. The pressure was so intense that she began losing hair, yet she pressed on until a therapist asked whether she would ever ask for aid. “The hair falling out didn’t suggest to me that I needed help, it was somebody else looking in and saying that,” Jones laughed.

Jones’s story shines a light on the hidden toll of hyper‑independence, a pattern where people take on everything themselves out of fear of burdening others, of rejection or of losing control. Clinical psychologist Dr Stephen Blumenthal notes, “We are wired for connection. It’s awful for you to exist alone.” As more people confront the mental‑health cost of this lone‑wolf mindset, experts are warning that the burden is not just emotional but can manifest as burnout, brain fog and even physical illness.

Personal accounts of self‑reliance

Jones grew up watching her single mother raise four high‑achieving children while running a charity. “She did everything herself, and it was very much me watching that that suggested this is what you do, you just get on with it,” Jones recalled. The drive pushed her to qualify as a solicitor, launch a company, found a women‑in‑leadership charity in Uganda and begin a PhD on domestic abuse in London’s Black community. Yet the relentless self‑reliance caught up with her. “I didn’t realise how much I was taking on until I had a panic attack one morning and had to go to hospital,” she said, adding, “Even then, I thought I would take my laptop with me.”

Urvashi Lad, a former serial entrepreneur who remained “single pretty much until I was 43,” attributes her long‑term solitude to a similar pattern. “It gives you a feeling of control,” she explained, but too “can keep you alone because you don’t feel safe to find that love.” After a year of journalling and therapy, Lad met a partner she is marrying this year. Still, she catches herself resisting his offers, recalling, “It got my back up initially, until I went: ‘No, it’s OK, he wants to do something nice for me, and it’s really nice that he wants to do this.’”

Phil Rowe, now a voice‑over artist after a factory career, described early life as “feeling not important enough to warrant anyone’s effort.” Hospitalised with depression in his teens, he learned to keep his struggles to himself. “I think, generally, people are a lot nicer and forthcoming than they are in my head at times,” Rowe said, noting that asking for help now feels “infinitely better” than the isolation he once feared.

Expert analysis of the hyper‑independent mindset

Blumenthal observes that hyper‑independence often co‑exists with professional success, yet “it’s a disaster when it comes to interpersonal relationships.” He stresses that “the quality of your relationships is key to happiness, and also has a big impact on health.”

Psychotherapist Kathleen Saxton, author of *My Parent the Peacock*, frames hyper‑independence as a coping mechanism born from childhood environments where caregivers were “inconsistent, unreliable or emotionally unavailable.” She explains, “It’s a sense that: I can’t rely on anybody, so I will rely on myself.” Saxton warns of the “emotional isolation” that follows, noting, “The negatives I witness are emotional isolation, so you don’t share your vulnerability with other people.” Yet she also highlights the upside: “The positives are you’ll be seen as the fixer or the organiser or the rescuer, and that also allows you to be in control quite a bit, but underneath that you may feel exhaustion.”

For Black women, Jones points to cultural stereotypes that amplify the pressure to appear “strong.” She says the narrative of the “saviour” role—often assigned to Black female leaders—adds “care responsibilities” and “a detrimental impact on many Black women’s lives.” Similarly, Lad connects her hyper‑independent habit to Indian cultural conditioning that expects women to “do it all ourselves.”

Steps toward micro‑dependence and healthier connections

Both therapists and the interviewees suggest practical ways to loosen the grip of hyper‑independence:

  • Practice “micro‑dependence” – ask for help with a small, low‑stakes task, such as letting someone buy you a coffee.
  • Engage in regular journalling or therapy to identify the underlying fear of burdening others.
  • Join community groups or clubs (Jones tried a local running club) to create accountability and social support.
  • Openly discuss vulnerabilities with trusted friends, gradually expanding the circle of disclosure.

These incremental steps aim to replace the fortress mentality with reciprocal relationships, a shift that many describe as “letting someone in a little bit.”

What’s next for those confronting hyper‑independence?

As more professionals share their stories, mental‑health providers anticipate a rise in demand for therapies that address the “fear of asking for help” component of hyper‑independence. While cultural narratives around self‑reliance evolve, the immediate focus remains on encouraging people to test small acts of vulnerability and to recognise that seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a step toward sustainable wellbeing.

For readers who see elements of hyper‑independence in their own lives, consider which “micro‑dependence” action feels doable this week. Share your experiences in the comments and help break the silence around this hidden burden.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical, psychological, or legal advice.

Source: The Guardian