A Father’s Silent Grief: Finding Support After Losing a Child
In 2013, Mark and Jill Millard faced an unimaginable tragedy when their newborn son, Isaac, was diagnosed with Patau’s syndrome, a rare chromosomal abnormality. Despite the best efforts of medical professionals, Isaac lived for just two precious days before passing away. this devastating loss profoundly impacted mark and Jill, forever changing their lives. Through their experience with Féileacáin, a support institution for bereaved parents, Mark and Jill found comfort in connection with others who understood their pain. Féileacáin provided a “Cuddle Cot,” allowing the couple to keep Isaac near, and even his older brother, Quin, had the opportunity to say goodbye. mark recognized that his and Jill’s grief journeys were uniquely different. While Jill sought solace and connection in shared experiences, Mark struggled to express his emotions openly. “The man’s role is seen as the strong supporter and person who can fix everything,” he remarked. This societal expectation, while well-intentioned, inadvertently suppressed Mark’s emotional needs. He felt overwhelmed by unspoken pressure to “stay strong,” a sentiment expressed repeatedly by those around him. “The father’s perspective is sometimes lost,” Mark shared. “We need to understand that men react differently and the ‘stay strong’ attitude does not work.” While Mark kept busy with daily tasks, his emotional pain remained bottled up. He found it challenging to verbalize his feelings and lacked the coping mechanisms to navigate his grief.”Even though it wasn’t formal, I couldn’t open up, not that there’s any right way of saying things, but I didn’t know what was right or wrong to say,” he admitted. Three years after Isaac’s passing, Mark reached a breaking point. The unaddressed grief had taken its toll.The shared experience of losing a child connects parents in a profound and often unspoken way, but fathers grieving this loss can face unique challenges. Mark,who tragically lost his son Isaac in 2016,understands this firsthand. He found himself struggling to express his grief, leading to a breakdown a few years later. Recognizing the need for support tailored to men’s grieving process, Mark, along with the charity Féileacáin, established the cork Féileacáin Fathers Soccer team in March 2023.
Inspired by a similar team in Dublin, the Cork team provides a safe and informal space for fathers to connect, share their experiences, and support one another.”We meet once a month in the District Health and Leisure Club on the Lower Glanmire Road,” Mark explains. “There are 29 fathers now joined and it is indeed growing in numbers.”
“We have a WhatsApp group, which is not just about sport, but about sharing pictures, birthdays and anniversaries of our babies that we have lost.”
Mark emphasizes the importance of this unique camaraderie. “I find it easier to talk to other fathers who have been bereaved as they can understand where I am coming from.” Beyond the football pitch,the group shares tea and conversation,fostering a sense of community and mutual understanding.
Féileacáin Fathers is expanding its reach.A new group recently began in Kerry, and Mark is planning to start another in Limerick in the new year. The ultimate goal is to establish a support group in every county across Ireland.
This past spring, the Cork Féileacáin Fathers team traveled to Northampton, England, to play against a team from sands UK, the English equivalent of Féileacáin. the Irish team emerged victorious with a resounding 6-1 win. Next year, the English team will return the favor with a visit to Ireland for a rematch.
Recognizing the impact of loss on siblings, Mark is exploring the creation of a siblings’ team, providing tailored support for children facing the heartbreak of losing a brother or sister. “Sadly,their numbers are always increasing,” Mark acknowledges, “but Féileacáin Fathers provides a safe space where men can be supported through their grief.”
Fathers in need of support can contact Féileacáin Fathers at 085-2496464 or 028-51301, or email them at [email protected].
## A Father’s Silent Grief: An Interview with Mark millard
**Introduction:**
Teh loss of a child is a tragedy no parent should have to face. Today, we’re joined by Mark Millard, who bravely shares his experience navigating grief after losing his newborn son, Isaac, to Patau’s syndrome. Mark’s story sheds light on the unique challenges fathers often encounter when coping with such an immense loss and the importance of recognizing and supporting their emotional needs.
**Interviewer:** Mark, thank you for joining us today. I know this must be challenging to revisit, but your willingness to share your story could help many other fathers experiencing similar pain.
**Mark:** Thank you for having me. I hope by sharing our story, other fathers who are struggling with loss will realise they are not alone.
**Interviewer:** Let’s start by talking about Isaac.
Can you tell us a little bit about him?
**mark:** Isaac was our youngest son, born in 2013.He was diagnosed with Patau’s syndrome, a rare chromosomal disorder. We knew his life would be short,but those two precious days we had with him where truly a gift.
**Interviewer:** how did you and your wife, jill, cope with the initial shock and grief?
**Mark:** It was incredibly challenging.Féileacáin, an amazing support institution for bereaved parents, helped us tremendously. They provided a “Cuddle Cot,” allowing us to spend precious time with Isaac. Even our older son, Quin, got the opportunity to say goodbye.
**Interviewer: ** You mentioned that your and Jill’s grief journeys differed. Could you elaborate on that?
**Mark:** absolutely. While Jill found solace in connecting with others and sharing her emotions openly, I struggled to express my grief.
**Interviewer: ** Why do you think that was?
**Mark:** Societal expectations often pressure men to be the “strong
ones,” the ones who provide support and fix things. This made it difficult for me to open up emotionally.
I felt this unspoken pressure to stay strong, which unfortunately suppressed my own needs.
**Interviewer:** That “stay strong” attitude can be incredibly isolating.
**Mark:** Exactly. Many people meant well, but telling me to “be strong” didn’t acknowledge my pain. It’s crucial to understand that men grieve differently and ther’s no one-size-fits-all approach to healing.
**Interviewer: ** What advice would you give to other fathers who are silently grappling with their grief?
**Mark:** First and foremost, know that you’re not alone. Reach out for support – talk to a therapist, join a support group, connect with other fathers who understand.
Remember, it’s okay to express your feelings, cry, and grieve openly.
**Interviewer:** Mark, thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and vulnerability. It’s truly inspiring to see you advocating for open communication and support for grieving fathers.
**Mark:** Thank you for giving me a platform to speak.I hope my experience can definitely help other fathers find comfort and connection in their own grief journeys.
