Dear Meghan,
As a parent of twin 16-year-old girls, I have struggled with their behavior for quite some time. While they have always excelled in school and extracurricular activities, their personalities can be quite extreme. When they are happy, they are extremely joyful, but when they are tired, hungry, or upset, they can become loud, mean, and rude. This behavior is mostly confined to our immediate family.
I must admit that I have been permissive of their actions, hoping that they would eventually mature and grow out of it. However, it seems that the problem has only gotten worse over time. I have made occasional comments to them, trying to start conversations about their emotions, but I haven’t done much else to help them regulate themselves.
Now, I realize that it’s never too late to make changes, but I also understand that it won’t be easy. The permissiveness I have shown them over the years has created a major problem that needs to be addressed. It’s clear that boundaries, consequences, and expectations need to be established.
To begin this process, I need to ask myself what kind of support I need in order to make these changes within my family. Whether it’s reading books, joining online parenting groups, finding a therapist, or seeking the help of a parenting coach, I need to investigate why I’ve permitted this behavior and find my own voice. It’s important to establish my authority in a compassionate and firm manner.
One strategy I intend to implement is holding family meetings. While some may believe these meetings are only for younger children, I believe they are an efficient way to communicate important information. During these meetings, I will address the issues at hand with the twins and ask for their input on potential solutions. It’s important to use compassionate listening and ask thoughtful questions, allowing them to express their concerns and feelings.
As we problem solve together, I will also communicate new rules and expectations. For instance, I may introduce the idea of the twins being responsible for cooking their own meals a few nights a week. It’s vital to set consequences for not adhering to these rules, such as not making them dinner if they were expected to cook for themselves. By discussing these boundaries ahead of time, the twins won’t be completely blindsided, but they may still resist the changes. It’s crucial to stay consistent and stick to the decisions made during the family meetings.
Additionally, I want to emphasize the importance of the twins learning to take care of themselves, not just academically but also in terms of everyday tasks such as chores, laundry, and cleaning. It’s essential for them to understand that part of leaving home and entering the world as adults involves being independent and contributing positively to the family and community.
Changing long-standing behaviors and establishing new boundaries will take time, but it’s a necessary process. It’s important to remember that almost every individual wants to be good, needed, and competent, including teenagers. While it may be a rocky journey as they test the boundaries, with the right support, consistency, and a healthy sense of humor, I believe we can make a significant positive impact on our family dynamic.
In conclusion, raising twins is no easy task, and it’s understandable how permissiveness can wear down a parent quickly. However, by making small, consistent changes, and seeking the necessary support, we can help our children regulate their emotions and become more well-adjusted individuals. It’s never too late to set boundaries, communicate expectations, and guide our children towards responsible independence.
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