2023-06-19 15:30:00
Clémence Prompsy, psychologist, gives tips for defusing crises. Photo DR.
Sometimes it’s quits or doubles. Harmonious agreement or “ boxing party”. Moments of sharing in front of a game of Monopoly or nervous breakdowns in the ice cream queue. During the holidays, cohabitation can turn into a nightmare and turn into hell under the palm trees. “It depends on the families… Not having the stress of school, nor the fatigue of everyday life, can encourage letting go and relaxation. But sometimes it’s just the opposite! Spending all of your time together is likely to exacerbate tensions. Buried and repressed feelings come to light”summarizes Clémence Prompsy, family psychologist specializing in benevolent education.
In his book I do not wantco-written with Aurélie Callet, Clémence Prompsy comments on very concrete situations of daily life and gives tips to parents. “To avoid family conflicts during the holidays and for everything to take place in a serene atmosphere, you must prepare yourself emotionally before departure and already know what you expect from the holidays: the need to laugh, to relax, to create memories, to play sports… It is necessary to listen to the desires and needs of everyone, parents and children.”
In effect, many oppositions and frustrations arise from not taking into account the points of view. However, the holidays are there to recharge your batteries and should not become a time of constraint. “If the eldest of the siblings wants to isolate themselves every afternoon with a comic book or spend time with their friends and the little brother or sister would like to do a sailing course or collect shells on the beach, you have to listen to these requests and find a good balance between everyone’s tastes.”
This rule also applies to parents. “The couple must not forget each other. If they aspire to a one-on-one dinner, they must formulate this desire and plan this romantic moment.” Another advice to defuse quarrels on vacation: establish a family life rule during the stay. “We set the rules of conduct like the time in front of the screens, the moments spent together…”
Long journeys in transport, holiday homework, conflicts between siblings or separation with one of the two parents… Clémence Prompsy deciphers these four situations that are often sources of tension and provides advice on how to ease them. While insisting on the fact that there are no miracle solutions. “Each family is unique in its functioning. Knowing the needs and personality of each one is a major asset. It is the key to spending peaceful holidays.”
Transportation
The belts are buckled and the suitcases stacked in the trunk. It’s gone for the road trip family. But several hours spent in a confined space can quickly crystallize tensions, especially with children. “Before leaving and to avoid overflows, it is necessary to remember the rules in community: we respect each person whether they are family members in the car or strangers, on the train or on the plane.”
To avoid being bombarded with questions, parents can inform the children of the precise program of the trip. “Detail the number of mandatory breaks, the screen times that will be allowed, the podcasts that they will be able to listen to…” To make people forget the long and arduous journey, the toys are selected in a strategic way. “ We provide a bag to place between the children, we choose games large enough to be able to recover them when they fall, and we favor those that the toddlers have not seen for a while. Bag of food, pillows for everyone… We anticipate needs.
In the event of a dispute, it is necessary to intervene quickly. “Because in enclosed spaces, the tone can quickly rise.” To divert children’s attention, family games are suggested: take turns choosing music, blind test, “guess what I’m thinking” game, license plate game… We can also suggest imagining the arrival at the holiday destination: what will they want to do or share? “Depending on the age of the children, do not hesitate to make them responsible by explaining to them that arguments in cars are very accident-prone. Siblings may just not talk to each other for everyone’s safety.”
Quarrels in siblings
First breakfast together with the family. But there you go… the bowls of corn flakes fly across the room. “ Arguments between siblings are very trying and guilt-inducing moments for parents. And especially during the holidays, when we want to create good memories together.” To ease the pressure, Clémence Prompsy suggests “challenging” the children. “They can be told, quite simply, that a conflicted climate does not allow for the planning of ambitious leisure activities. And be firm in ‘threatening’: ‘We’ll only do the dolphin park if the fights stop.'”
During the stay, to maintain a positive climate, it is necessary to listen to the needs of each child, avoid comparisons, even favorable ones, and rather underline the qualities of each one. To recreate the bond between siblings, you can release a board game suitable for everyone. Most often, in families, we form parent-child pairs. “ There, they are asked to team up against mom and dad.”
Separation from one of the two parents
Organizing vacations for separated or divorced parents can be a tricky time. “ The child has no notion of the passage of time. Also, from 3-4 years old, it is very useful to use a calendar. It will allow him to cross out and count the days that separate him from his parent.” To create a serene climate, the psychologist adds that the child must have a precise idea of the reunion. “You have to give him clear benchmarks: “I’ll pick you up outside Dad’s gate after lunch. I’ll be in the car with the dog.” » He must also leave thinking that his mother or father is not sad. “We can explain his schedule to him: see friends, go out or rest… The child must know that he has the right to be happy in the absence of one of the two parents. And even if they are tempting, especially for the remote parent, the visios are not recommended for toddlers (under 6 years old). “ They are in the moment. Seeing the parent on a video without being able to touch them or have a hug is very disturbing. This is why it is better to favor the call, but without video.”
holiday homework
You have planned to slip holiday homework into your child’s suitcase. To avoid conflicts, learning must remain fun and enjoyable. “MEven if academic success worries parents, it is not advisable to exert too much pressure on the child”, warns the psychologist. Each cherub is different, so this school work time must be adapted on a case-by-case basis. “The best thing is to discuss it with him and draw up a contract. We can say for example: in August, we will be in Corsica. Every morning after breakfast, we will both go to revise. Do you prefer in the kitchen or on the terrace? As soon as we’re done, would you like to go dive in the pool?”
You have to make sure that the work sessions are effective and not too long (30 minutes a day is enough). Holidays are also an opportunity to learn differently. “For reading, city signs, restaurant menus help progress. For mental arithmetic, counting shells on the beach or adding up shopping are good exercises.”
Know +: I do not want by Aurélie Callet and Clémence Prompsy. Editions De Boeck Superior. Price: 17.90 euros.
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