Title: Navigating Grandparents’ Affairs and Post-Abuse Loneliness: A Perspective on Relationships
Dear Carolyn,
My mother-in-law is having an affair. She’s still married to my father-in-law but goes away for a week at a time about every other month with her current boyfriend. My kids, 3 years old and 5 months, see her often. When she’s away, they ask about her. We always say Nana’s out of town. I won’t lie for her (“Nana’s sick,” etc.) — I was lied to growing up, and it shattered me when I realized the truth about my parents. But I also don’t want to excessively divulge things that aren’t really age-appropriate. I want them to be close to their grandparents — and my husband wants them to be close to his parents. How/when do I start to address this?!
Nana’s Out of Town:
To quote a classic cartoon: How about never — is never good for you?
I can’t see when it becomes anyone else’s business that two people have what sure sounds like an open marriage. Grandparents are sexually autonomous people, too. This is between Nana and Pop-Pop and others they choose to include. The end. That’s the whole answer to your specific question. But your asking it raises other questions.
Because that is either one wildly precocious 5-month-old you’ve got there — already asking where Nana is! — or you are wildly premature in worrying what the dear children will think of something they may never have a reason to know. Or you are projecting your discomfort onto the kids because it feels better with a protecting-the-innocents spin?
Whatever your motivation, I’m now motivated to write about parents’ responsibility to teach kids what is and isn’t their business.
People certainly can say why they’re not coming over, if they want — “I have the sniffles, otherwise I’d love to see you” — but they are not accountable to us and do not need to explain or even apologize unless they’re actually sorry. “Alas, not today.” That’s a complete and acceptable out.
So. I understand you have a tidy dodge when Nana happens to be out of town. But when Nana is merely absent, not away, there’s no need for explanatory alarm; you don’t have to scrounge up some other truthy explanation to cover for her. “Nana has other plans today,” “Nana’s busy,” “Nana couldn’t be here.” These suffice whether she’s doing things you find objectionable, doing things you don’t find objectionable or alphabetizing her socks.
If your kids push for more information as they mature, then respond by modeling boundaries: “I miss Nana today, too, but we don’t have to know why someone doesn’t come over. Let’s respect people’s privacy.” Normalize this through repetition — applied to everyone, not just Nana.
It’s good stuff for parents to prepare for regardless, if only so you and your husband can get your approaches straight before your someday-teens invite you to multiple rounds of privacy vs. secrecy vs. no-it’s-not-okay-to-sneak-around-and-lie-to-my-face-(even-though-I-did-that-to-my-parents) dialogue.
Also while we’re here: Your kids’ educations on how to be part of a loving, trusting relationship are already well underway — even the baby’s this time. That’s why it’s wise to remain mindful of what you model for them. It will come in particularly handy, though, if your kids ever notice the adults in their circle are living more than one of the many variations on the trusting-relationship theme. Think honesty, always — tempered with tact, respect, privacy, need to know, and a lot of deep, cleansing breaths — and you’ll be more or less okay.
Dear Carolyn,
I left an abusive marriage two years ago and don’t want to date. My kids have started to make comments and express pity toward my loneliness, but I don’t know how or even whether I want to do anything about it. Should I force myself to get back out there, or enjoy the peace of being alone?
Anonymous:
Oh, heck no, no forced pairings. One day of an abusive marriage is enough of that for a lifetime. More than.
Loneliness isn’t a great alternative, though; I’m with your kids there. So I hope you will work toward a friendship network. And/or a network of common interests, purpose, fulfillment, meaning. Form connections without dating them — when you’re ready and for as long as you need to. Date only when there’s no question of what you want.
It takes time and effort and reflection to build good relationships, then even more time. Plus a willingness to pay careful attention to your own feelings as you spend time with new people, so you can discern whether they’re healthy for you. You’ll know they are when it feels safe to be yourself with them — meaning, no dread of setting them off.
This is how you (re)build trust in yourself after abuse — that and solo therapy, where feasible.
When you’re confident you can:
- Differentiate between healthy attachments and unhealthy ones.
- Step away when someone’s company leaves you feeling not so great about yourself.
- Handle a painful breakup; that is peace. The peace of solitude and the peace of trustworthy friends.
Analysis:
The issues of privacy, boundaries, and the disclosure of personal affairs within familial relationships are complex and delicate matters. Carolyn’s response highlights the importance of respecting individuals’ autonomy and recognizing that decisions regarding relationships should be left to the parties involved. It is essential to distinguish between what children need to know and what is beyond their purview.