2023-05-03 07:42:39
[채규만의 마음이야기] Preventing a Twilight Divorce
Many couples give birth to children shortly after marriage and invest their energy in child rearing and success.
However, when a divorce after 20 years of marriage is defined as a twilight divorce, twilight divorce, which accounted for only 5.1% of all divorces in 1990, has steadily increased and accounted for 38.7% in 2021, accounting for nearly 10 out of 10 divorced couples. Four couples were divorced at dusk.
Twilight divorce often begins with women’s dissatisfaction accumulated in their married life. The cause of dissatisfaction is that the husband does not share the housework properly at home even after retirement, becomes a commonly referred to as “three meals,” and relies on his wife for meals almost 100%, and as the time in the same space increases, the wife’s In many cases, it is because of the words and actions of a patriarchal husband who criticizes or evaluates behavior and, in the worst case, controls while shouting at his wife. You may not believe ‘Are there still men like that?’, but there are surprisingly many ‘men with big livers’.
Wives who live with such husbands in their old age complain, saying, “I get hives all over my body just thinking about my husband being at home” or “When I see my husband living his whole life focusing on himself, there is a vase like a fire in my chest.”
The key to a twilight divorce is for wives living in such an environment to declare their independence from their husbands, saying, “I will live freely for the remaining 30 years of my precious life.” In fact, the start of a twilight divorce is a phenomenon caused by the accumulated dissatisfaction and negative emotions of the past, and it is not that the wife suddenly changed 180 degrees one day and filed for divorce.
Even though the wife sends countless signals about the behavior she wants her husband to change during their marriage, the husband tends to regret it after filing for divorce without reading them.
According to my couple counseling experience, when a wife decides to divorce at one point after putting up with it for a long time, the husband reflects on himself and asks to cancel the divorce because he will be good to his wife, but the wives change their minds once they turn around. gi was almost impossible.
My husband said, “Honey, I’m sorry. When I tried to persuade her with her pleading, “I’ll do better in the future,” her wife said, “It’s too late. well done to me right now Now I don’t even have the slightest affection for you. It’s over now!” Once her mind is changed, she doesn’t turn around. Therefore, prevention of divorce is also important.
Negative Perceptions Wives Have of Husbands: Take and Give
Just as there is physical and psychological exhaustion during work life, many housewives experience depression, anxiety, indigestion, and various minor illnesses due to psychological and physical exhaustion at home. The fundamental cause of wife burnout is that “receive and give”, the basic of human relationships, is not done between husband and wife. In other words, the wife continuously releases psychological and physical energy for her husband and family, but if the family members including her husband receive it but do not recharge her wife and do not pay attention at all, exhaustion occurs.
A technique for a husband to recharge his exhausted wife physically and mentally
▸Express Gratitude: Nothing is taken for granted in married life. Every day, of course, the meal is also brought to the table thanks to someone shopping and cooking it. It is difficult for a wife because of her special relationship with her husband, but she cooks and prepares meals for her husband. If food is received thanks to the wife’s hard work, her husband must give it back to her in some form to balance the “give and give” of the marital relationship. The way a husband gives back to his wife is: 1) The husband can also learn to cook for his wife and cook for her, and 2) If not, say “thank you” or “thank you” or give her a massage to relieve her fatigue. By giving back, you can recognize your wife’s hard work and recharge her psychologically. We express our gratitude to others even when we receive minor help from the outside. Why doesn’t the husband take her wife’s daily hard work for granted and say thank you? A husband should express sincere gratitude to his wife for the little service she has received in her home.
▸Complimenting my wife: I often see husbands replying, “I can’t do compliments because I feel uncomfortable” when I ask my husband to “compliment his wife” during counseling. However, such a husband also feels beautiful when he sees flowers and naturally says, “Ah, the flowers are pretty.” When we look at a flower and express it as beautiful, it is possible when our mind stays in the present and focuses on the color, shape, and scent of the flower. It is similar to the feeling of praising her wife. If you have past anger or resentment toward your wife, you cannot praise her because she does not have an open mind to focus on her now. Clear her mind and see her wife as she is, her face, her flesh, and the natural look of her wife. Feeling the mystery of a life, the words “You are cool and beautiful!” will naturally come out of your heart. Therefore, a husband who cannot praise his wife should realize that it is not a matter of expressiveness, but that his heart is closed toward her wife, that she has negative emotions, and that her heart toward her is dead. The cure for a wife’s burnout is her husband’s sincere compliments. Compliment her wife at least 5 times a day!
▸Let your wife express that she is important to you: If a man courts a woman before marriage, the woman has the option of accepting the man’s proposal. However, once married, the wife is insecure about her husband’s interest in other women and fears of being abandoned. Therefore, it is important for a husband to sincerely express to his wife that his wife is precious, not a one-time event. There are various ways to express feelings to your wife, such as texting, telling her that you love her, buying her flowers, buying her a simple gift, or expressing her feelings with a card. When the husband buys simple tteokbokki for his wife on his way home, her wife is moved and grateful for her husband’s heart for thinking of her even on her way home, rather than the tteokbokki itself. From the husband’s point of view, he may think, “I love my wife and feel that she is precious, so I don’t need to express it in her old ways.” .
▸Give skinship and massage: When a wife does trivial housework, she may feel physically tired and her whole body aches. At this time, when her husband releases her by giving her a massage, her wife is very grateful. Her husband tends to show off his muscle strength while playing golf or working out, so try using half that strength to relax and comfort her wife’s body. Her dining table may vary.
▸ Thorough division of housework: The biggest cause of wife burnout is excessive housework, so husbands must share the housework. There are so many things a husband can do to help his wife with physical tasks, such as washing the dishes, running the washing machine, cleaning the house, and sorting the garbage. Married couples should keep in mind that they have a special relationship in which they live together. The idea of living in her house for free just because her husband earns money should be abandoned.
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