When Lisa Noll, 67, divorced two years ago after 35 years of marriage, she thought relationships, romance and sex were a thing of the past. Now she is in a relationship with a man 10 years younger and has what she calls “a rich sex life”.
“I didn’t think people had sex anymore. I thought people got old and stopped. It’s like a big secret,” said Noll, who splits her time between Colorado Springs, Colorado, and Merida, Mexico. “I’m floored that I’m having sex and a relationship and it’s that good. I’m much more confident now and I know what I want.
About 40% of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active, according to a National Poll on Healthy Aging survey, sponsored by AARP and the University of Michigan.
A Pew Research Center study found that the number of Americans between the ages of 55 and 64 who had used an online dating website or app doubled between 2013 and 2015. Some dating sites, such as those run by AARP and OurTime, specifically cater to singles 50 and older. Given that 45% of Americans over 65 are divorced, separated, or widowed, according to AARP, there are plenty of potential customers.
“Baby boomers had to break gender barriers in the 60s and 70s and they are doing it quietly now. There’s a notion that if you hit 55, 60, 70, sex goes away. But this is not the case. People live longer and they have sex longer,” said John Portmann, author of the book “The Ethics of Sex and Alzheimer’s Disease” and professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. “There are celebrities like Jane Fonda who say they never stopped having sex. I think she sees herself as trying to liberate women and say that sex doesn’t stop.
Daniel Reingold, president and CEO of RiverSpring Living, the parent organization of the Hebrew House of Riverdale, realized in the mid-1990s that his organization needed a sexual expression policy when a nurse approached him, told him that a couple was having sex. in a room and asked him what to do.
Reingold’s organization then conducted a national nursing home survey on the topic of sex, created a policy and staff training video that could be used by other nursing homes and life centers. assisted. Since then, the policies have evolved and now include more discussion of LGBTQ+ issues.
“What’s so shocking to me is that 25 years later, so many organizations and people are sticking their heads in the sand on this subject of sex,” Reingold said. “The big issue in the room is ageism. People think desire and libido go away at a certain age and to me that’s so ageist. Most of us think our parents are virgins and the idea of them having sex disgusts us. It’s so wrong.
Touch tends to be among the last senses to decline, Reingold said, so the power of touch is incredibly rewarding for residents of assisted living facilities, nursing homes or other facilities.
“Whether it’s holding hands, snuggling or making love, the person doesn’t look at the other as old and wrinkled. They see it as a young love. The pleasure of touch can be what makes a resident want to get up in the morning to see their girlfriend for breakfast, to continue to thrive,” Reingold said.
Safer sex later in life
Of course, it’s not just the rewards of intimacy, there are also the risks associated with retired sex.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, between 2011 and 2015, chlamydia infections among Americans age 65 and older increased by nearly 50% and gonorrhea by 102%. Medicare offers free STD screenings for seniors, but only 5% of those who are eligible for the service have chosen to use the service.
Meanwhile, users of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs have STD rates two to three times higher than nonusers, Harvard researchers from Massachusetts General Hospital found after analyzing insurance records. of more than 1.4 million American men over the age of 40.
According to a National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, condoms are used in about 40% of sexual encounters among college-age Americans. But among people age 61 and older, condoms are only used in about 6% of sex.
“If you have to be institutionalized and your adult child strongly informs the house that he doesn’t want you to have sex, it’s oddly analogous to parents and teenagers. But the roles are reversed. Middle-aged people don’t like the idea of their parents having a sex life or getting an STD. This is a very confusing area for people. said Portman.
Consent Questions
There are more risks than STDs. At what point does age and mental and physical health collide to the point that sex is no longer safe due to an inability to consent due to a diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer’s?
In 2015, a longtime Iowa lawmaker and retired farmer was acquitted after being charged with sexual assault for having sex with his wife, who suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and was in a retirement home.
This case and others, however, raised the notion of a person’s capacity to consent to sex and the nursing home’s responsibility to protect patients and report any assault as a mandatory reporter.
“Sexual abuse and unwanted sexual activity is a real problem for patients with dementia. There’s enough going on that it’s a pretty widespread problem,” said Minneapolis attorney Mark Kosieradzki, who has tried several cases of sexual abuse in nursing homes.
State laws vary regarding the capacity to consent.
Reingold said memory issues are a growing concern in assisted living programs, as people try to age in place for as long as possible and tend to be in a residential program that requires a much more advanced level of care. .
“If there is any doubt in our minds about capacity to consent, we weigh privacy rights against the right to prevent unwanted touching and we will err on the side of protection from unwanted touching. Everytime. We have to do it,” Reingold said.
The best way to protect against unwanted contact is to talk about the idea of sex and aging and air the subject out as much as possible, Kosieradzki said.
“I believe there is a bias. Allegations of sexual assault by older people are not taken seriously because there is no understanding of older sexual drives or there is a prejudice about why someone would have sex with an 88-year-old,” Kosieradzki said.
“There is no easy solution. It’s not one of those things you can’t talk about. It needs to be thought about and discussed frequently as people age and have different caregivers or live in different residential communities,” Kosieradzki said.