The power of words is infinite, so much so that if we give ourselves orders, demand ourselves and speak to ourselves in a harsh way, our brain closes and the emotions that will surround us will be negative. On the contrary, talking to each other in a kind way will make us feel happy and give us support and comfort when we need it.
And it is that taking care of the inner world of each one is very important. This Nekane González (
@caricias_emocionales), specialist in emotional intelligence and mental health therapist, knows this and therefore shares in his book ‘
words to my best friend‘ (Aguilar) the keys to talk to ourselves in a kind way and so we can feel good.
Are our best friends ourselves?
It is a book that has a double message: words for your friend, yes, but above all for yourself, because we often forget that our best friend should be ourselves.
The relationship with ourselves is sometimes complicated.
It is the pending subject of a lifetime, trying to feel good. The relationship with oneself is a journey that lasts a lifetime in which we go through different moments: there are seasons when you feel better and think you are on the right track and others that you wish would end.
The importance of knowing each other.
There is a lot of talk about self-esteem, being of course the key to emotional well-being, but self-esteem is not just loving ourselves, because you can’t want something you don’t know. So the first step is self-knowledge to be able to know what you like, how you feel and what you need. And that happens by listening to each other, getting to know each other and then hugging and caring for each other.
How can we start that process?
It’s complicated, but within us there is something very authentic, an internal compass, which is our emotions. The first step is to stop to lower the internal volume and listen to our emotions. In the end, they show us something we need and, when we honor ourselves with it, it is much easier to feel that well-being.
First, we listen; then, do we manage?
Of course, we must learn to know what information our emotions are giving us, validate them and give ourselves permission to feel in one way or another, because many times it seems that we only validate the joy that is the most pleasant and try to leave sadness in a corner. But it gives us a lot of information and makes us learn a lot about ourselves and about life in general.
We continue to believe that we cannot be wrong.
It is a way of invalidating ourselves internally: “don’t cry”, “now I can’t be sad”, “I have to be strong”… Well, there are times when you don’t have the same strength, and nothing happens. It’s okay to be wrong, because there you also get a lot of information and impulse to move forward or get closer to the person you want to be. Therefore, validation is very important, with others, but above all with ourselves. Sometimes it is difficult for us to give ourselves what we offer to others.
And we talk badly.
The basis of the book is precisely that. With the title I wanted to convey that words generate realities and also form those emotions. As we speak to each other, that’s how we’re going to feel and how we’re going to behave. It is not the same to speak to you in a kind way, than in a harsher way. We have to be kinder to ourselves.
What should we not tell each other?
Far from falling into that slightly more false positivism, it would be nice to try to talk to each other in a kinder way. Every time we give ourselves orders, we demand ourselves, we speak harshly to each other, our brain shuts down, and thus we are going to be able to have little friendly relationship with each other. It helps me a lot when I’m wrong to think that inside me there is a little girl who is the girl I was at her time and is still there. So it is about how you would talk to that five or six year old that you have been when she has been afraid or she has felt sad.
In the case of getting lost on the way, how can we redirect ourselves?
Our emotions and values are what will guide us to that north that we follow. Emotional intelligence is the basis, because if a person feels more susceptible, that emotion is giving you information about what you need: you may want to make a decision or you may find yourself in a place with people you don’t feel comfortable with. And those emotions warn you that this is not the way.
When talking to ourselves, is it better to write it down?
It helps me a lot to order ideas. There is talk of therapeutic writing as a part of the relief, because it is not the same to think about it, than to write it. When you write you are dissociating, you are putting in front of yourself that pain or what you carry inside; somehow you make it a bit tangible and it’s easier to find a solution or see that there is a way out. Writing what happens to us gives us emotional clarity and helps us make decisions, which is often what prevents us from taking steps forward.