2023-06-29 12:57:06
Ooooooooommmmmm…
My dear yogis, release tension, focus your āsana, circulate Prana and repeat the mantras of our Shiva in a loop. PS: don’t forget the check at the exit.
Monday, June 12, you return from an ashram in Tamil Nadu (South India), you are all love, calm and voluptuousness. You have already booked your next three retreats at Villa Calvi de Yuj and are waiting for a Lululemon package to show off on Insta in 130 dollar leggings. Bling-yoga, or how to spend your wheat cucumbers on your eyes.
1) YOU FLEE FROM MATERIALISM IN PALACES
“Paris oppresses me, I need to revitalize myself in a place full of energy flow. On the weekend program: Imperial Harmony massage, sailing at dusk, signature Guerlain treatment and the sacrosanct yoga class on fine sand. For the modest sum of 8 K for two nights at the Cheval Blanc in Randheli, all in an Island Villa “nestled in the luxuriant vegetation facing the turquoise horizon. Something simple, unpretentious.
2) YOU ARE MADE OF 90% ROOIBOS AND SEAWEED
Your body is the showcase of your art: a temple. As you are overbooked, there is no time for shopping at the Marché des Enfants Rouges. Hire Claire Vallée, starred vegan chef, who will prepare you green buddha bowls to die for. The exceptional yogi girl relies on her Ayurvedic diet washed down with energy teas to make up for her iron deficiencies. Don’t forget: one-third solid, one-third liquid and the rest…air.
3) YOU HAVE SIX NATUROPATHS IN YOUR CONTACTS
Ever since Rachel Brathen — a Swedish yogi girl with 2 million followers on insta — shared her experience with green therapy, you’ve dreamed of converting. Go for a forest bath in full awareness while chewing astragalus roots. When you return, call your naturopath to schedule a holistic treatment lined with udantara and reconnect with your deepest essence. Here, you are zen. Ruined. But zen.
4) YOUR INTERIOR EMBODIES SLOW FURNITURE
Ikea? Are you kidding me. Here we only furnish ourselves with reclaimed wood from protected forests, labeled and eco-managed in accordance with forestry. A Camif shelf, a Tikamoon sideboard, a Ripaton bed and herbivorous candles by Mamamushi, you’re in a 100% flammable interior for three Smics. A word of advice: forget the purification ritual with white sage.
5) VOTRE FEED INSTA RESPIRE LE CLEAN-GIRL AESTHETIC
The subtlety lies in the millimetric naturalness. In short: make your community believe that your daily life is the one you share in stories. Up at dawn, flawless complexion, breakfast with chia pudding. You handle lighting and framing like no other, yet 36 stories later you were back under the duvet. They don’t do it to us.
6) YOU RUN A YOGIC RETREAT EVERY SEMESTER
Eat, Pray, Love and Wild are your bibles. But the van-life is sorely lacking in comfort. For oxygenating immersion without weekly sewage flushing, book a flight to the Six Senses Vana in Dehradun. This Indian ashram “receives each of its guests on an equal footing without any difference in social status”. Ideal to evolve in your quest for inner balance while taking yourself for the little people, right?
7) YOU ARE WRITING A BOOK ON PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
Twelve astrological sojourns later, you are perfectly entitled to tell your story. Shamanism, meditation and mindfulness, a bestseller is on the way, that’s for sure. Deepak Chopra better watch out. Don’t forget to blame the pessimistic novices who complain about their mediocre existence. Self-quest or self-worship?
Verdict: Got more than three yes answers? You are officially the most self-absorbed person around you. It will be 3000 euros. THANKS.
Photo caption: STRETCHING_ Swipe the ultra basic maxim of healthy mind in healthy body. Bling-yoga is a mindset where you meet its deep essence by wearing Tory Burch leggings at 210 euros.
By Fanny Mazalon
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#Test #blingyoga