This article was originally published in the February 2023 issue of Vogue Spain.
“He infatuation It is a state of mental misery, a transitory imbecility”, wrote the philosopher Ortega y Gasset. “Somehow it is true, because it seems that our senses are focused on the loved one in such a way that we lose our sense of reality or of what is happening around us; we find ourselves stunned and in a cloud”, adds the psychologist to this famous phrase Laura Palomaresdirector of Advance Psychologists. Something that is explained by the fact that love is not only a superficial or sentimental matter, but rather brain chemistry has a lot to do with how you react to the different stimuli that arise during this (ideally) sweet process, and that directly affect mental well-being.
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“It is psychologically and physically beneficial, but it is also necessary for a satisfying life”claims imma breaexpert in human behavior, coach and mentor. Of course, this does not only refer to its romantic side, because as the specialist clarifies, “the deep connection with other people gives us security, confidence in ourselves, makes us feel part of something and this achieves, in turn, make life make sense.” But when the ups and downs that almost inevitably come hand in hand are added to the equation, things change. As Brea explains, “other factors come into play: excitement, desire, restlessness, euphoria… In short, the person’s state of mind radically changes and physically it can be noticed in the lack of sleep, appetite or hyperactivity”. In fact, as she herself points out, it is not strange to lose weight when all this is happening in our hearts (and our minds).
As detailed in the coach, goes beyond the physical, because it really is “a chemical cocktail that plays with excitement and calm, pleasure and a sense of security, so it works like a drug. In fact, when the person you are in love with ignores you, you can feel the pain as physical. There are several brain reactions that can take place with love as the only culprit, because as Laura Palomares develops, “there is a whole neurochemistry at work. Hormones and neurotransmitters such as oxytocin, known as the ‘love hormone’, are released, which strengthens the bond and is secreted with physical contact, caresses and during orgasm; serotonin, related to well-being and happiness; dopamine, linked to motivation and desire; and endorphins, also related to feelings of well-being and pleasure, among others”. Specifically, Inma Brea highlights the high power of the latter, endorphins, since they are known as the neurotransmitter of happiness par excellence, “they make us feel happy when we see our loved one, but they also calm pain and that is why The addiction. They work practically like a drug.” That is why a certain hook is produced with whom she arouses those feelings and promotes the usual lack of objectivity during falling in love: “Probably this is where love is blind comes from. During this roller coaster of sensations, emotions and hormones, it is easy for us to see what we want to see”, adds Palomares.
Nor can the obvious effect that it has –mainly, the fact of being or not reciprocated– on self-esteem be ignored. As Inma Brea warns, “when the person needs to reaffirm himself through sexual validation, it can indeed become a compulsion. It has to do with self-concept and beliefs around an ideal ‘I’. People who consider physical or sexual attractiveness as a value will need to confirm that value in them through others, which will affect their self-esteem depending on the result obtained. If you flirt you will feel validated; and if you don’t flirt, no. In any case, you’re on the hamster wheel if you don’t address the issue on a psychological level.” For the psychologist Laura Palomares, it does not have to be negative. Until a certain point. “Seduction can be very reinforcing and, on occasions, it will help us raise our self-esteem”, but she does agree with the expert in human behavior that “the problem comes when a person becomes dependent on being liked at any cost and their state of mind and personal valuation end up subordinated to it”. Luckily, the era in which ‘everything for love’ was allowed seems to be slipping away, and The most common is that each person is very clear about what they are looking for (and what they are not) and what are those red flags for which they are not willing to go.
According to a study conducted by the dating app Bumble in 2022, 52% of its users have set even more limits in the last year, 63% are more clear about their emotional needs, 59% are more thoughtful and deliberate in their way of exposing themselves on the platform and 53% do not want to over-engage socially. But considering that all of this is largely a matter of chemistry, the rise of this type of digital dating platform raises a question. Do hormones and neurotransmitters act differently when flirting is online? In Inma Brea’s opinion, the emotional accumulation can be even greater, since “the digital reward circuit is shorter and, therefore, the addiction can be higher. We look for that ‘shot’ of adrenaline or dopamine through the matches and the likes, altering the nervous system in search of pleasure, but when the response is not the desired one, the person’s mood can change in a matter of minutes and annoy your entire day. Furthermore, fantasy, which is another key factor in falling in love, increases in virtuality”.
The fact is that, regardless of how love is lived, if both experts agree on something, it is on the importance of find a balance and not get completely carried away. “I always say that the emotional world is balanced by the rational one. When we are so emotionally overwhelmed, we have to bring it down to reason. Idealization and, in many cases, fantasy, plays a trick on us”, warns Brea. The expert recommends going little by little: “Lower the intensity, taking care of our day to day, calmly observing the relationship, instead of giving in suddenly without setting limits.”