by Alexandra Canals, psychologist specializing in family, couple and childhood issues.
We all know how beautiful motherhood and fatherhood are, how nice it is to see our puppies grow up, but little is said about those darkest moments where we reach corners of ourselves that we did not know. Motherhood is a turning point in our lives, of rediscovering oneself.
From 2021 we can enjoy a shared or alternate sick leave with the father, and now comes the expected and feared moment at the same time: the return to work. Finally, we women can decide the future we want for ourselves and a job that makes us feel good, full, satisfied. However, let’s be realistic, Spanish society does not make it easy to be a mother and to have a full working life, at least during the first years of child-rearing, which coincide with our best years at work.
The fact of rejoining the world of work is a breath of fresh air to stop being a mother all day, but it can also be one more stressor. From that moment on, we must arrange schedules, prepare meals, go to work without sleeping, organize the times when the little one is sick, etc. If we were to quantify the hours we spend organizing all of this, we’d be equating it to running a business part-time, at the very least. All that stress can lead to great emotional wear.
Society has made us believe that having a child does not change our lives so much and this conception generates false expectations that we must then confront. The fact of having a child is a vital change, which changes us forever and we must readjust. We discover many things about ourselves that surprise us: how much I can want versus the ambivalence of how much I can get mad.
self care
For all this, we must take care of ourselves. Because to be a good mother, we must first be well ourselves. Our children constantly learn from our attitudes and are our mirror.
For this reason, it is important to try to find moments to reconnect with oneself, to be able to do something that we feel like doing and that makes us feel good. The fact of not losing sight of and connecting with our essence will make us continue to know who we are and work to incorporate this new role into one more face of the prism that we make up.
If you are reading this article, surely you have already tried a thousand options to feel better, but it is worth remembering some tricks to feel good and try to get out of that false comfort zone, which does not give us comfort.
Here are five points that I consider essential for self-care:
1- More time for you
Whenever we feel guilty for leaving our little one longer in the nursery or in someone else’s care, we can tell ourselves that our son or daughter deserves a happy mother. So, let’s allow ourselves a few moments to get some air on our faces or to get that back massage that we so much need. That without mentioning if we can take an afternoon or morning off to do something that we really want.
I like going to play sports because it gives me the air and the sun on my face, I get tired (that good tiredness that leaves you floating after a shower) and I generate endorphins, basic for that well-being.
2- Moments out
Taking ‘times out’, that is, being able to leave the room where our little one is crying and where we feel that we are going to explode, that we can’t take it anymore holding the tears, is a technique that is used in many situations where we cannot contain that discomfort or anger.
We go into another room or somewhere outside and breathe, look at where our body is feeling the pain or anger or sadness and try to relax the whole body. Jacobson’s relaxation can be very useful to you. You can find a guide online or videos on YouTube.
3- Analyze what stresses you the most
Look within. What situations stress you the most? How do you react? What is it that really bothers you about this situation?
I have discovered that I have a low tolerance for crying. So, already knowing it, I activate all the resources that I have available to be able to behave as I would like as a mother without disrespecting myself or my children.
See what kind of mother your mother was and what kind of mother are you. See what she did that you want to copy and what you don’t. Keep it in mind. Thank your mother for everything she has taught you and she goes your way. Many times we are reproducing family patterns and we must be aware and be able to break with them.
4- Reserve time as a couple
Sometimes a whole week goes by and we look at each other and think, “Wow, this week I barely felt you around.” And it is that we have organized ourselves so well as a team that we have forgotten that there is something else behind that organization.
Having a drink together when the little ones sleep, taking a bath together or cooking something together are brief moments that continue to keep us together and not lose us on the sweet but arduous path of parenting.
5- Enjoy
This is the last point, but not the least important. It is easy to say “enjoy” but we must remember that we have chosen to have children and that this is our life, that no one will come to put flowers or a Walt Disney ending. So let’s try to enjoy the present moment.
- If we are playing cars with our little one, let’s play cars and we are not trying to answer an email or looking at some mobile application.
- If we are working, let us put our whole being into the work.
- If they give us a massage, let’s feel the body and how they touch us.
Being present makes us connect with our reality and with ourselves. Thus, we do not get carried away by anticipatory thoughts of everything we have to do and feeling that omnipresent anxiety.
We can make a calendar where we also define the moments of play with our little ones, as well as the ritual of showers and dinners. We know that we will not strictly comply with it, since having sons or daughters means becoming more flexible, but it will be a good guide for our day to day life.
I hope I have helped you remember the little things that will help make you feel better and continue fighting to be better mothers and your best version because motherhood changes us but for the better. You will never love more, and what is living but loving?
Time passes and the hardest moments give way to others, not easy either, but for which we have already been training during our first years of parenting. Look in the mirror and feel proud of the woman you have become, of being able to work and be valued and of the family you have created. Without being perfect, you can do what you set out to do and every day you are a little more so.