When I don’t help, it’s hard for most people.
At first, I wanted to simply explain which of the commentators is right and why, but I have done this many times and such analyzes are of little use.
You yourself must understand and see your mistakes.
So let’s compare that letter and this one.
The situations are similar, the authors are proactive women, men sometimes fight back from their initiative, sometimes they themselves take some steps, both authors mess up somewhere, somewhere vice versa.
Letters have a similar structure: 1) Description of the hero. 2) Acquaintance and rapprochement at the initiative of the author. 3) Sluggish dynamics. 4) Ambiguous gap. 5) Former husband. 6) Suffering for a hero.
In the analysis of the last letter, opinions were divided: is the author’s initiative beyond the boundaries or within the boundaries, and the hero’s reciprocal steps are his steps or courtesy extended by tongs, and the gap is the author’s bold point or her jamb and a futile flight?
The same question tormented the author.
Some commentators believed that the dynamics were normal, and the author was too driven and expected too much from a man, other commentators believed that the dynamics were drawn out with tongs, and the author was a locomotive.
How to distinguish between this and that?
Normal dynamics is when the hero’s steps towards the author not only correspond to the author’s steps, at least approximately, but are also made spontaneously, and not under pressure. And the second is more important.
The pressure is always noticeable by how much the author’s desires for intimacy exceed those of the hero, how much the author overestimates his own importance, and if he estimates correctly, how much the author resents that this significance is less than desired. It is this imbalance of significance and the imbalance of expectations that creates tongs, especially when the author does not see this imbalance.
In addition, forceps are visible in the very structure of communication, in dialogue, in remarks, in reflection of the author.
Then I will describe more precise criteria, but for now let’s try to define them interactively.
You must learn not only to know the criteria, but to see and feel: under pressure, the hero takes a step or spontaneously.
Here in this letter the pressure of the author on the hero is much less than in the past.
Here the author is still far from a non-fish, but the author of the last letter is far from even a fish.
Compare the corresponding email fragments to see the difference.
I specifically chose a letter where the difference with the past is not cardinal, but it is there and it is noticeable.
Hello dear evolution.
Thank you very much for your blog and your work.
I hope you find my story helpful.
I am 27, an architect, he is 46, his name is K, a foreman. We work for the same company.
We had sex a couple of times, I confessed my love to him (drank).
After that, he replied that he was not ready for a relationship and he was a bachelor, all that.
I regretted it terribly, but what can I do now, everything happened.
Went on a date a week later.
K writes: what are you doing?
I write as it is: I’m with a guy with one.
He got angry, wrote a big message about why I love him, but on a date with another. I’ve arrived.
Him: You say you love, so you must not want to date other people.
Me: yes? But you can do it.
He: yes, I can, I still don’t love. But I don’t want to meet others.
Me: well, if you don’t love, then in this case I can.
Then we had sex.
He after that: I’m still dissatisfied, are you going to meet with others now?
Me: I thought we made up for it with sex.
We started dating, he confessed his love. He just started calling me his girlfriend one day. We spent every night together, every weekend. I met his family and we were planning a vacation.
He told me that if everything is as good as it is now, you can move in six months.
I didn’t answer. A month later, she told him that she also did not mind moving. So it’s more practical.
Him: Yes, I did.
Me: I know, but then I didn’t answer anything.
Then I started not getting enough sleep, because he wanted to sleep all the time, and I wanted to sleep. Sometimes it even woke me up in my sleep. I had to stop all this.
I started refusing, saying don’t touch me, please, when I’m sleeping. He was dissatisfied.
Because of my fatigue and because I began to unnerve him, I quarreled with him. Asked for a good relationship, as before.
He started having problems at work, he said that he was burning out. He was constantly dissatisfied, but he said, come, I feel bad without you. I came, stroked him, did everything at his house, helped him at work. We are still working together.
In general, after one such quarrel, he invited me to stay at home. I signed up on tinder and texted two guys, then deleted that tinder to hell.
I write the next day.
Me: I don’t know why we fight. Whether because of your situation at work, or something else. But tell me how to support you. If you want a break, I understand.
Him: Sending screenshots of my tinder profile.
Like a friend sent it to him.
Writes: we have nothing more to talk about.
Me: Then I’ll have to accept it.
Me: it’s a pity that you think that I’m looking for a man right away.
Him: Stop it PLEASE. We are so different. I loved you, so I gave this relationship a chance. I had a lot of doubts, you know. Now this love is gone, very very sorry.
I called and asked: do you really not love me?
Him: I don’t like it.
I began to persuade him to wait, to give at least another month to fix everything. What I want to be with him and so on. All 10 minutes of the conversation, I merged, asked at the end of a personal meeting.
He said: you can come today at 21 o’clock.
I didn’t come.
The next day he brought me all my things. Thankfully I wasn’t at home.
He sent me a video message about where and what he left (like I didn’t see it at the door). And I’m sorry I wasn’t at home.
I answered: thank you.
At work, she behaved as always (at least she tried).
I really blamed myself for getting into this. How could I fall in love so much that I completely lose my head.
In few days.
He: stuck a photo with a bag of my leftover things in my parking lot, which I collected and left there.
Although he still has a few of my things, I don’t care. Let him stay.
A couple of days later.
He: Shall we smoke?
I deleted for myself all our correspondence in general, so that it all went.
A couple of days later.
He: I’m going again. Will you come with me or do you not offer more?
Me: what do you want?
Him: smoke.
Him: with my colleague.
Him: If only she wants too…
A couple of minutes later.
He: ok, all right.
In the second week, I started to come to my senses: to work as well as it turns out, sports, I learn a new language, as I have long wanted to … I restore friendly and family ties, sometimes I go on dates.
Then the ex-husband proposed to meet. He talked about his betrayals. I didn’t know about them. He asked if I was disappointed. I said I didn’t experience disappointment, but I know for sure that I don’t need this. He was worried whether it was good that he confessed, he probably should have told a lie. Otherwise, I would not know anything and then I would like to be with him, but now I don’t want to because of the truth. I said I’m glad I told the truth, no matter where it leads. He said he wants and waits for me to return. I didn’t answer.
The only thing hindering my recovery is that K and I work together and sit in the same office. Of course, I don’t show it at all, as if there was nothing, but it’s not easy. He already told everyone at work that we broke up. I don’t know what he said about me there and, honestly, I don’t want to know. In general, I don’t make contact with him, only if it’s impossible to work differently.
Sometimes he asks: how are you?
I’m fine.
Everything. I can’t ignore him in front of my colleagues.
We have another project that we are doing together. Honestly, it’s hard for me to discuss it with him, but I need to. He comes up sometimes, something on the project asks. I answer the bare minimum. Sometimes I say so little that he himself comes to the answer and leaves.
Most of all I wish I hadn’t seen him. On the other hand, I will only become stronger from such a difficult situation, I think. If I endure it, then fewer situations in life will break me.
Evolution, please tell me what should I do? Leave work soon or stay and hope that soon he will be indifferent to me as he was before all this?