He curls up against his mother, refuses to let go of his father’s hand, avoids the gaze of adults or does not dare to play with other classmates… Many children adopt “shy behavior”. A situation that is always easy for parents to manage. What are the possible causes? When should we worry? Dr Arnaud Fernandez, child psychiatrist at Lenval hospital in Nice, deciphers the reasons for this inhibition and gives advice to parents to help the child overcome his shyness gently and without rushing him.
What is shyness in children?
This is a very broad notion that ranges from the feeling of temporary nervousness to the social fear that sets in on a daily basis.
In the vast majority of cases, we speak of “simple” shyness. This is the child who has no particular difficulties in the family environment – he feels happy and fulfilled there – but who will experience discomfort in the circle of friends or at school. He has difficulty reaching out to others because he is worried about how others look at him and their judgment. He sometimes has performance anxiety: he wants to do well but doesn’t have enough confidence in himself. According to a study conducted in the 2000s by researchers at Harvard University, this “simple” shyness is very common and affects 50% of children! Contrary to popular belief, being an introvert is not at all a fault. Shyness is not an illness but rather a character trait which is not abnormal and which can evolve.
Can we already talk about shyness in toddlers? Before three years, it is still too early to talk about shyness. Because to experience this feeling, the child must already be aware of his image but also acquire a language with sufficient communication methods. It is therefore between the ages of 3 and 6 that some children can show a “reserved” temperament. In addition, this corresponds to an age where social demands are higher with the discovery of school and extra-family relationships.
Are there factors that promote this character trait?
The answer is not simple. Indeed, shyness is a complex feeling. Often, it is a continuum, meaning that this restraint is the result of several intimidating experiences for the child. If he has suffered public humiliation, failures, teasing, threats or criticism – and he does not have enough self-confidence – he risks suffering from shyness in the future.
What role do parents play?
The family environment has an undeniable influence. Thus, shy parents can transmit their anxieties without realizing it.
This discomfort can also be the result of a parenting style. The child may have been the subject of great demands, overprotection or pressure from those around him.
Another possible explanation for introverted behavior: the cultural dimension. For example, in Japan, the vast majority of people consider themselves shy. But it is a country where restraint, discretion and tact are part of the values. Thus, shyness can be a form of politeness and respect that parents transmit to their children.
When should you be concerned about shyness in children?
It is a problem if it causes suffering and limitations in daily life. For example, if the child refuses to go to school or avoids meeting with other classmates, cries, has anxiety, etc. We will then rather speak of social anxiety or even social phobia, that is to say, a real fear of reaching out to others. If this situation lasts – and this despite several measures taken to help him (read below) – or if it worsens, it is advisable to speak to a specialist to understand the origin of this suffering and find solutions
You should also be concerned if a child – who has always been sociable – suddenly becomes shy, withdrawn and the situation persists.
What are the repercussions of social anxiety?
This withdrawal of the child can give rise to more serious psychological problems in adulthood, notably depression. Unfortunately, these young people are not always detected early. In fact, we act more quickly for an agitated and disruptive child and much less for a child who speaks little and who acts “very small”.
Can this shyness go away?
Yes, in the vast majority of cases; thanks to the help of those around him, the shy child will become an adult who will have confidence in himself. For others, shyness will persist but it will be tamed and will not have an impact on daily life. This is the case for actors with an introverted temperament but who manage to surpass themselves on stage. Remember that shyness can even be a quality in adulthood. Tact, prudence, discretion and modesty – demonstrated by reserved people – can be highly appreciated.