We failed.
We failed so I wondered: why go back when despite all the efforts, the test was negative. Would it have worked if we had tried in France? What more could I have done? Why continue to go there when we have to pay for everything and the reimbursement risks being a long battle, in France everything would be taken care of?
That’s when a courier from the Center arrived, Center who finally noticed that LePoilu hadn’t finished his samples, and my stomach knotted. And it knots each time I think back to the reproaches of DrPasGentil when LePoilu took selenium, to his mockery when I said that the hysterography was a somewhat painful examination, to the entire afternoons of work lost for a single appointments and hours of waiting in an aptly named waiting room, to his emphatic “no” for a short protocol “because that’s how it is here”, to the words “good candidates” in his mouth and at the contempt in his eyes when I said yes I preferred general anesthesia for the puncture…
I preferred to go back to where they held my hand while they put me to sleep for the sample, where they stroked my arm to tell me without words that they were there for me, where they didn’t never said that we were “good candidates”, where we answered our questions, where we were smiled…
And then they asked us to come back. I still wondered why LePoilu had made an appointment so early. Why so soon after failure, and why so early in the morning.
Because waking up at 5:45 a.m. hurts your eyes a little. And despite the hour, there are already so many cars, the traffic jams start and it’s stressful because we don’t like being late.
In the waiting room, I tried to read Kundera, but our ultra-tattooed and pierced neighbors were much more interesting to study and I ended up resting my head on the shoulder of the Poilu who was playing CandyCrush. DrHans was a bit late. He was smiling as usual. A shadow clouded his face when he said: 6 oocytes, 4 eggs, 2 implantations, and nothing. Then he asked the date of my last period, he grabbed a calendar, and he said “well we start next week?”.
We said to ourselves that we would wait until October, because the center would be closed in August. And that was too early. And then September LePoilu would be away then October, or even November, it would be good, like that, after it would be Christmas, the markets, the lights and it would be less painful in the event of failure, and then we would go on vacation in January under the sun. Everything was well planned and the cows would be well looked after.
LePoilu opened his mouth. When I took out my diary, I said “next week it won’t be possible”. LePoilu closed his mouth. DrHans said they were closing in August but only until the 15th, so he squinted, worked things out on his little calendar, and said “so August 18th?”. LePoilu asked if it would be the same protocol. DrHans replied no, if you miss, you change. I have mmh-mmh. I scratched my chin, the Poilu’s plane trip being a problem. LePoilu looked at my diary, and we started calculating things. DrHans said in his calm voice: “Don’t calculate, you tell me when, and I calculate, and I adapt, that’s my job”. So we chose to completely change the protocol, it will take longer, but it will still be soon. We had no more questions.
We shook hands with DrHans who was smiling. And I suggested to Poilu to eat a pain au chocolat accompanied by a coffee. My first German pain au chocolat. Different and similar at the same time. Ordered by me, in sputtering German.
– Is it too early for you?
– No, but we said October, so…
– Well it’s sure that in terms of reimbursement, for the moment we have nothing. Financially can we?
He smiled and said, shaking his head:
– We can.
– Well, I saw that you had winced, what bothers you?
– We said later and there…
– Yes I know, we said October because we thought that August would not work. For work, it’s better that way. And I need to do it. In two months, I won’t be able to wait any longer, like the last time. And we get old, all the same – he smiles – and then if we have to fail again, as much as it is now.
– But what is this long protocol? Will it be less bites?
– No, it will be more. And I’ll deserve a huge diamond for all that. Already it’s me who pays for the pain au chocolat.
I winked at him. He laughed and he kissed my neck.
Everyone got back to their car. I cried in the car, nervously. I arrived at the firm well in time, I briefed the secretary on what’s next. She’s ready to cancel dates, I’m ready for the thoughts that follow. She smiled at me. It will be fine.
And then I understood. We had to go back, not let failure set in. And we had to go back there. For confidence, for smiles. Because a weight left my shoulders when DrHans reminded him that he is the one who adapts. Because with them, I know they will hold my hand. Because at least we can go early in the morning, even if it stings the eyes. Because it leaves time to have a coffee with a roll. Because it leaves time to hold hands.