For the past few months, Justine, 9, an only daughter, previously of a peaceful nature, has been opposing her parents more and more violently.. She also suffers from insomnia. At school, she sometimes has difficulty maintaining her attention and the teacher finds her quite sad.
While she does not wish to entrust her parents with the object of her difficulties, she gives herself up easily during her first therapy session. Justine actually suffers from her parents’ almost daily arguments. “Sometimes I lock myself in my room so as not to hear them. They don’t realize that it’s hard for me. And then I often feel like it’s a bit of my fault. They disagree about my upbringing. I’m very scared they’ll divorce but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier.”
Impact of arguments on the child
For the child, the couple formed by his parents, pillars of his family, represents a cocoon, a place of security.. This security is one of the fundamental needs for its proper development. If this need is not satisfied, it is the feeling of fear that will most often manifest itself.
Thus, the child forced to endure a situation of incessant disputes, is exposed to intense anxiety that he does not know how to manage. Added to this are other emotions, including those he absorbs from his parents. Like Justine, he often nurtures a feeling of guilt that is very harmful to his self-esteem because he thinks he is at the origin of the arguments.
Like her, he contemplates that his parents will separate and feels sad imagining this dreaded situation. He can also harbor a feeling of intense anger in the face of adults who do not respect him.
In some cases, he can forget himself, deny his own needs and devote himself entirely to the cause of his parents. Thus, to avoid marital disputes, he can divert their attention by adopting deviant behavior or, on the contrary, try to instill joy by being omnipresent. Unfortunately, in addition to developing anxiety, the child will often feel helpless and therefore useless… He may even question his own existence. Finally, this feeling of insecurity and all the emotions induced can have an impact on his sleep, his mood and even his learning, because a child cannot learn if he is too worried.
Avoid conflict in front of your child
Many parents are aware of the negative effects of these quarrels but it is difficult for them to do otherwise.. Quite simply because their children are present when tensions build up, generally at the beginning or end of the day, and they are, unwittingly, partly responsible for the ambient agitation.
This is why it is necessary to plan daily face-to-face time, in order to exchange freely outside of these moments of stress. The couple could thus take 10 to 15 minutes to take stock of the day. However, it’s not always easy because when the house is tidy and the children are in bed, we often don’t have the energy or the desire to talk.
The ideal would therefore be to make appointments, as soon as possible during a lunch or an evening without children. Some couples, without going out, fix one evening a week for dinner alone together. So when after their meal, the children are in bed or in their room independently (depending on their age), it’s the parents’ turn to sit down. And they do it without feeling guilty!
On the contrary, the children are reassured to see that the couple lives independently of them and that they are not the center of the world! At the origin of the family, there is the couple. These exchanges can be an opportunity to express their desires, their frustrations (by talking about themselves, using the “I” rather than the accusing “you”), and to determine the factors that increase the risk of arguments.
Hide to argue?
If despite this regular work as a couple, an argument is about to break out, it could be interesting to use a code defined upstream between partners (example: take the other’s hand) to remind your spouse that it would be better to discuss this subject later when the child is not present. This is all the more essential if it concerns him directly.
Be careful, however, because the little ones are not fooled. Regardless of their age, they sense emotions through non-verbal language (tone of voice, sudden movements, frown, strained smile). Some children may also avoid going to bed or come back constantly for multiple reasons (and especially to check that their parents are well). So, while it is better to avoid quarreling in front of your child, it is not beneficial to hide too much. The dispute is not necessarily always negative.
The Benefits of Arguing
Used wisely and well dosed, it can even be rather constructive for the couple. It makes it possible to assert oneself, to recall one’s needs, to better understand the limits of the other, their frustrations, or even to provoke a real dialogue between the spouses. The relationship grows out of it. But for that, the discussion must remain healthy, without insults, belittlement or violence on the part of one or the other.
So, Quarrels during which parents discuss and show listening and respect for the words of the other, can teach the child to resolve conflicts using social skills (cooperating, listening, consoling, reconciling), which will help him in his relationships with other children. Similarly, it is reassuring for the child to see that we can bicker without “destroying” ourselves. It is an adjustment between two very distinct people even if they form a couple.
If it is impossible to reconcile at the time, you can tell your children that you will take the time to calm down, to reflect in order to better discuss and find common ground later.
1. For the sake of confidentiality, his first name and his privacy information have been changed.
How to help your child who has witnessed a heated argument?
If the arguments start to have an impact on your child (symptoms of anxiety or depression, violent behavior, difficulty managing their emotions, etc.), it will be useful to get help. Couples therapy can help you understand why you have reached this stage and consider the rest differently. If you do not feel able to help your child by having him verbalize, by teaching him to protect himself and by reassuring him, the help of a professional may be beneficial for him.