They lived happily and had many children… This agreed conclusion sentence, taken from children’s stories, has no place in our real world. And the recent figures end up completing our illusions. “In France, approximately 46% of marriages end in divorce. The average length of marriage is around fifteen years, with men divorcing around the age of 42 against 44 for women.analyzes Marie-Estelle Dupont, clinical psychologist. The increased risk of separation occurs after five years, which generally corresponds to the early childhood of the first child. “
In his work successful divorceMarie-Estelle Dupont devotes an entire section to the consequences of separation on the child. “Depending on his age and stage of development, the stakes vary. Indeed, at 1, 3, 11 or 14 years old, he is not at the same time in his understanding of the world, his relationship to others and the construction of their identity.”
Thus, the organization of a separation presents common challenges but also specificities. And especially in toddlers under three years old. Marie-Estelle Dupont explains the difficulties associated with this young age.
Separating or divorcing when you have just had a baby, is it common?
Yes, more and more couples are separating with one or more very young children. Change of life, extreme fatigue, new responsibilities, upset daily life… The couple is put to the test. In case of separation, this period is particularly complex to manage because the infant has specific needs.
What are they?
During the first thousand days of life, between birth and the age of about three years, the bond of attachment is established. Parents bring security and confidence to the baby. Through daily care, they nurture their child’s attachment. A separation or divorce can disrupt this process. In addition, around the age of 8 months, separation anxiety comes along with the fear of the stranger: this manifests as crying or agitation when the parent leaves or when a foreign figure approaches the child. He understands, in a non-conceptual way, that his mother won’t always be there. He is afraid when she walks away and he has no concept of time. This is why a baby can have a hard time with a prolonged separation from one of the two parents.
So how do you meet the needs of the young child despite the breakup?
First of all, prolonged early separations must be avoided. Clearly, joint custody – every other week – is not suitable for a toddler. Do not hesitate to set up a temporary organization, allowing the baby to see both parents frequently. Except in special cases (unstable, violent person, etc.), the father or second parent must be able to create a bond with his newborn. It is important for the balance of the latter. Another advice: the couple must put aside their anger and resentment in the presence of the child, and this, whatever the age. As the baby does not speak, we may be tempted to have fewer filters in his presence, but this is a mistake. The child, even very small, perceives the emotional state of his parents.
For example, if his mother is crying and his father is angry, the infant will feel a strong tension. He is not able to control what is happening and he will inevitably be anxious. On the other hand, if the interview between the two parents takes place in calm and respect, the child will live the situation as well as possible. Another piece of advice: don’t hesitate to talk to your baby and tell him that you love him despite the separation. Remember that 80% of communication is non-verbal; the newborn will understand the intentions of his parents. Finally, the separation should not make us forget that a baby keeps the same needs (physical, psychological, emotional) related to his age: to have a routine, to be changed and washed regularly, to sleep in peace, to avoid screens, to be cuddled and reassured…
What are the impacts for a toddler who lives in a conflicting climate?
It must be understood that the child is not marked by what is negative: he is above all marked by what is repetitive. For the brain, it is the chronicity of an anxious climate which is deleterious for it. If he perceives tension – and it lasts and repeats – a shadow will hang over his psyche, like that of having to fix and fulfill his mother. The boy is at risk of developing performance anxiety with a feeling of not doing well enough. Growing up, the little girl may experience confusion between her and her mother with anxiety and significant moments of doubt. The repercussions on its development are manifold.
What to do if tensions and resentments take over despite the efforts?
Do not hesitate to speak to a third party: a family member, a friend or even a psychologist. When there is resentment, the parent must keep a space to release his anger (playing sports, writing, etc.). This moment must absolutely take place without the presence of the child in order to preserve it.
Is a baby who has separated parents less likely to be happy growing up?
No way! Obviously the divorce will hurt him, it would be dishonest to say otherwise. However, an injury is not a trauma. This injury will not prevent the child from being happy. The benevolence and the climate of mutual trust of his parents will help him to build himself serenely.
Know +
successful divorce, by Marie-Estelle Dupont, published by Larousse. Price: 18.95 euro.
And for older children?
Between 3 and 6 years old: continue the routine
At this age, the child speaks with his body. He does not conceptualize, he feels and somatizes. “In the event of a separation, the important thing is to maintain continuity with small daily habits during and after the breakup. If the parent had the ritual of breakfast in bed on Sunday, it must be maintained. If he cares about certain games almost obsessively, we can buy them in duplicate, so that he has them wherever he is.” If the child feels confused, the important thing is to tell him the truth, with words adapted to his age and level of maturity.
Between 6 and 11 years old: defusing the feeling of guilt
It’s an age when he understands the concept of divorce and he can then experience real mourning. He can blame himself or, on the contrary, be angry with his parents. “It is a period when the child may need to be freed from the guilt of the separation of these parents. Do not hesitate to consult a psychologist. It is an age when three or four sessions are generally enough to defuse the difficulties. .”
Adolescence: being exemplary
The adolescent is old enough to understand parental separation. Nevertheless, it is important not to give him a role that is not his (mediator, saviour, confidant, couple therapist, spy…). “The major difficulty for parents is setting an example. It is therefore essential to protect the teenager from arguments and to speak of his other parent with respect.”