The death of a loved one is a bitter experience. The pain of loss is the price that must be paid for a fundamental characteristic of human beings: attachment to loved ones. Grief reactions can range from a transient feeling of sadness or anxiety to a feeling of heartbreak and utter desolation, which, in the most severe cases, can last for years or even a lifetime. It is an adaptive reaction to the death of someone who is emotionally close to us and which forces the affected person to rebuild their life from a different perspective. The resources deployed to overcome this sorrow are a reflection of the survival instinct to face the difficulties of life. Mourning, in reality, is like going through a tunnel: the place where you exit is necessarily different from the place where you enter.
Each human being reacts differently to a loss, without there being an immovable pattern of how and for how long a person has to manifest and overcome the pain. Coping with grief is a psychological process, not a clinical one, because death is part of life and life is not a disease. Being temporarily sad (a normal emotional situation) does not mean being depressed (a clinical picture). This means that, in most cases, overcoming grief does not require treatment.
The psychological resources of the person, the passage of time, family and social support and the resumption of daily life are usually enough to assimilate the loss and readapt to the new circumstances. What is normal and expected is that negative emotions gradually subside within a period of six to twelve months. Grief in the elderly can be aggravated if there is a presence of chronic and disabling diseases and they live alone. Specifically, the death of a partner in a well-matched relationship can be the most frightening isolated event that an elderly person can suffer. But, in general, although the pain never disappears, the serenity ends up coming.
However, there are survivors who experience, beyond a reasonable time, unbearable suffering. When the emotional reactions are very intense and prevent functioning in daily life or the duration of the reaction is very prolonged and unusual symptoms appear (for example, hallucinations, referring to visions or voices of the deceased, recurrent delusions or suicidal thoughts), one can speak of complicated mourning.
In these cases, the person is unable to adapt to the new situation after the loss and does not have psychological, family or social resources to overcome the pain. The symptoms experienced can range from a deterioration in physical health (headaches, insomnia or somatizations) to intense psychological discomfort, which manifests itself in the form of depression, anxiety, panic facing loneliness or neglect in self-care. Feelings of guilt can also sometimes come up strongly, for not having done everything possible to prevent the death, for not having made the deceased happy enough in life, or even for experiencing a sense of relief after death (especially after death). a prolonged illness that has required constant assistance from the family member).
In addition to the previous emotional balance of the survivor, their state of health and the family and social support received, the evolution from normal bereavement to complicated bereavement depends on various circumstances, such as the type of relationship with the deceased, the manner of death or the circumstances surrounding the death. Specifically, the loss of a child, especially if it is sudden, or of a partner, especially when there has been a long cohabitation, is the one that usually has the most psychological repercussions on the surviving person.
The death of a child is an unnatural event that produces a reversal of the normal biological cycle. There is not even a term to describe the survivor, as there is in the case of the loss of a parent (orphan) or a husband (widow). On the other hand, there are certain circumstances, as occurs in the case of preventable homicides, suicides or fatal accidents, which may require an additional effort of longer duration to integrate an adequate grieving process and overcome it successfully.
In short, some survivors are marked for life and lead a dull life without illusion; others, after an intense emotional reaction, are able to face the pain and readapt to the new situation created; and others, finally, draw strength from the weakness of suffering and pay attention to the positive aspects of the new reality, however small they may be. Expressing feelings, feeling useful and looking for a new meaning in life act as protective factors.
As far as suicide is concerned, especially if it involves a child’s, the parent’s mourning is much more complex. In the survivors, the burden of guilt appears and the repeated question of why he did it or why they did not do something more to avoid it, as well as the concern for the information that they should give to the people around them in relation to the cause of death of loved one. Sometimes they can come to perceive the avoidance or even, in a more or less veiled way, the reproach of those around them, which generates social isolation and an experience of stigmatization. Resuming daily life and adapting to the new reality constitute a challenge for which they do not always find the strength.
Overcoming the mourning for a lost child implies, after the initial emotional impact, accepting the reality of the loss; give expression to the pain caused by absence; get by in life without that loved one; and relocate (not replace) the memories, paying attention to those moments lived that can be evoked even in a pleasant way. And if this is not possible because the survivors are overwhelmed by pain, it is necessary to have the support of professional therapy or self-help groups.
Fortunately, the life force is tremendous. You have to win the battle against pain so that it does not become suffering. A person cannot imagine that he is going to survive the death by suicide of a child or a partner, but he survives, and the will to live may even come again.
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