- Alicia Hernandez @por_puesto
- BBC News World
image source, Getty Images
Psychological abuse is the regular and deliberate use of words or non-physical actions done to mentally and emotionally weaken, hurt, manipulate or frighten a person.
It’s like laser surgery: you can’t see it, but its effects, in this case harmful, are there.
It is about psychological or emotional abuse.
It involves the regular and deliberate use of non-physical words or actions done to mentally and emotionally weaken, hurt, manipulate or scare a personas defined by SaveLives, an organization in the United Kingdom dedicated to fighting this type of abuse.
But it’s not as obvious as someone suddenly insulting you.
“It is characterized by its subtlety and the symptoms are usually more masked”Silvia Vidal, psychologist and disseminator at @queridaneurona, a psychology page, explains to BBC Mundo online that was born in the pandemic.
The consequences of psychological abuse are as serious as those of physical abuse and can cause a series of health problems, such as depression and anxiety, physical problems such as stomach ulcers, heart palpitations and eating disorders, and insomnia, according to the National Health list. Service (NHS, the National Health Service of the United Kingdom).
It may be that the aggressor does not value the achievements of the partner, makes humiliating comments or jokes, invalidates their emotions or blames them for situations for which they are not responsible. It has many faces and forms.
Due to these characteristics it is difficult, both for the person who suffers it and for those around it, to detect if there is psychological abuse.
The psychologists consulted warn that it is not a conduct punctual, but rather a set of things that occur little by little, lengthened and sustained over time.
1. Loss of “essence”
The first thing will be to observe if there has been a pattern change between what the person used to be and what he is now. In short, observe if it has lost “its essence”.
This includes both changes to how you perceive her physically, how she relates and how you see her emotionally.
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A pattern change in how we were before a relationship and how our behavior has changed can be a sign to take into account if we suspect that there is psychological abuse.
If you feel worse, she has stopped doing certain hobbies that she liked before, she does not dress the same or she has changed details that were important before.
inside doors, who suffers this can be in constant tension Because of what you can and can’t say, you may have to hold back your tears to prevent your partner from telling you that you are exaggerating or avoiding doing certain things so you don’t get upset.
“In relationships you have to feel calm, there is no need to hide things,” says Vidal.
Thus, it is possible that the environment warns that these people have more anxiety and are restless.
2. Distancing and control
Again, it is about observing if there is a pattern change. For example, if the person you suspect is being abused now barely has time for friends or family, or even to talk on the phone, when they did before, this may give you a red flag.
The feeling that it can generate is that it seems that these people They seek to isolate themselves.
It is important to distinguish at what point in the relationship this occurs. Isolation due to abuse is not the same as that which can occur at the beginning of a relationship, when you do not want to be with anyone else and, Vidal points out, “you are in that moment of passion that usually expires.”
The hidden face of this distancing is usually control by the offender to know what he does, with whom and where. And, at the same time, it will lead you to isolate the victim from family and friends. As? For example, speaking ill of them in a subtle and prolonged way over time.
If the person you suspect is suffering from this aggression stays with you, you may find glimpses of this control. It may be that he constantly sends photos or his location to the aggressor to tell him where and with whom he is beyond the limits of a healthy relationship or asks you to stay hidden.
3. What they tell and how they tell it
An important factor is that the people attacked they usually tell little or nothing about the relationship, their partner and what the aggressor does “Because there are things that don’t add up and, whoever suffers the abuse, tries to make the aggressor not look like a bad person and prevents people from seeing what is happening,” says Vidal.
And when you manage to get him to tell you something, it is possible that he justifies the aggressor in things that don’t have it.
“He did it to me because I deserved it”, “I’m a bad person, I deserve it”, “I ask too much of him”, may be some phrases that fit this.
and this justification it has a B side: the guilt felt by the person attacked.
“This emotion tells us many things and, in this type of relationship, it is a sign that something is wrong because in a relationship there should be no culprits. Ask yourself if you are always, of the two, who feels guilty and, if so, check what is happening,” says Vidal.
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Does he behave the same with a partner as when he is alone? Quiet, submissive or evasive attitudes, different from the norm can be another warning sign.
4. Emotional dependence and doubts
In the person who suffers psychological abuse, there is a hitch with andl aggressor that extends in intensity and duration beyond what is usual in the first months of crush, and it is different from the healthy dependency that exists in human interactions.
This can be seen, from the outside, as a loss of autonomy, which prevents to the person do routine thingswho does not have control of their own agenda and depends on the aggressor to make each decision.
For those who suffer from it, Vidal maintains that “the fine line between what is normal and what is pathological is when we begin to suspect that we should not be there, that it is not good for us and, even so, we are still there.”
Along with this, we can see that the person attacked doubts everything and shows insecurity. This, along with emotional dependency, are the fruits of the constant manipulation to which she is being subjected.
Behind closed doors, the person attacked You may feel that “something is off” between what you think or see and what the aggressor says.
“There is a brutal loss of power and of all ability to discern what is real from what is notWhat I am and what I am not. (The person attacked and their reality) are very blurred,” says Sandra Ferrer, psychologist and founder of @programamia, a psychology startup online for women
image source, Getty Images
Listen without judgment and without scolding the person who suffers psychological abuse. Take advantage of the window that opens for you to generate connection and trust.
5. How he behaves when his partner is around
It is possible that the environment has little contact with the aggressor but, if so, “they are people with narcissistic profiles and abuse is almost never detected. You may see flashes, as if they have very fixed and controlling gazes or tells the person to shut up“, specifies Vidal.
Both she and Ferrer advise observing how the person who could suffer the abuse behaves on those occasions.
“It gives you the feeling that that person is not who they are next to whoever is attacking them, you don’t recognize her you don’t perceive the spontaneous, free and fluid part”, points out Ferrer.
To this, Vidal adds that these people, especially when they are with their aggressor, “They don’t take the initiative, they don’t say their opinionshut up and nod”.
What to do and what not to do when you suspect that someone close to you suffers from it
Both Silvia Vidal and Sandra Ferrer point out that the most serious problem is that the first thing that the environment of the person who suffers abuse usually says is to get out of there. It’s the last thing we should do.
“We have to understand that the person is under manipulation of which they are unaware and that, therefore, they have no reason to leave their partner. And, furthermore, they will probably withdraw and not tell us anything about what is happening to them Vidal says.
Both psychologists give the following guidelines to support and help that person.
Ask and listen. It seems obvious, but it is not always done. How is he, how is he and let him speak, shut up and listen actively, without trying to give him solutions so as not to lose the connection and trust that person places in you.
Don’t judge, scold, or tell him what to do. Tell her how she can put up with that, to leave the relationship or why she has returned to her, as well as blaming her for what is happening to her. They are people who are subject to constant judgment (their own and their partner’s) and, if you become one more executioner, they will move away from it. Instead, you can tell her how you can help her or what you think you can do and support her unconditionally.
Do not disqualify your partner. In the end it is who he is with, who this person is hooked on. And this will only make him justify it, not tell you anything else, and even tell the aggressor and give him one more tool to get away from you.
Respect your rhythm. You have to be very patient with friends who are in abusive relationships. It may be that, when you begin to realize, they will come out in a month, or in years. Respect their time to decide and stay there by their side.
Help with information. Rather than saying “they are manipulating you” or “you are a victim of abuse”, suggest information, accounts of specialists on the subject, a post on the networks, an article or book that you feel can help them connect, open their eyes and realize . And not only information about abuse, but also about survivors, stories of overcoming that make them see that they can get out of there.
And, although it may seem tired to us, that you feel that it does not pay attention to you, don’t leave this person alone. It is essential to be patient and accompany her.
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