I met my husband when I was 19 and it was a wonderful feeling. We hit it off and became best friends, and I love everything about him.
Things went very fast, and after a few months of dating, I found out I was pregnant and we decided to start a family. We got married, bought a house, and welcomed our second son two years later. I was really happy and my husband was very considerate to me.
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But after a few years, he started saying that I seemed to be hiding something from him, which made him feel that something was not right. From then on, I started to feel that my life was no longer fulfilling, instead I often felt uneasy, as if I was looking for something, but didn’t know the actual goal. I didn’t realize at one point, “Okay, I’m gay,” but looking back, I’ve always liked women. I know women are more attractive to me than men because when watching movies or gossip with friends, they will mention which male star they have a crush on, but I just don’t feel that way.
conceal sexual orientation
I’ve never confided this feeling to anyone, and I’ve only suppressed it, thinking that gay life might not be any better than it is now. Our family is happy and I don’t want to spoil it.
In 2020, my marriage came to an end. We didn’t fight, but we got along like roommates. We still enjoy each other’s company, we still talk and laugh, we’re very close, but we’re no longer like a couple. I used to joke that if I broke up with him, I wouldn’t be with men again, but it wasn’t exactly a joke. We decided to sit down and have a serious talk when he asked me if I wanted to date someone else. He said, “What about women?” I said, “Yeah, I would want to date women.” Then he said, “You’re gay, right?”
come out bravely
I was worried about how he would react when he admitted his identity. It was also the first time I actually accepted my sexuality, so it means a lot. I know this was the last straw that broke our marriage. There is no turning back and I feel very nervous.
However, the husband just looked blank-eyed, and I thought he might have been hit too hard. It was hard to guess what he was thinking at the time, maybe he wasn’t so surprised because he always said I was hiding something before, and this conversation may have just caught him off guard. He seemed completely receptive at first, and it was a relief to me to be able to admit who I was and start being myself, which was amazing. I understand that this may affect him, so when he says he wants to tell Mom, I also fully understand his need to talk to someone.
Further reading:Same-sex love opens late: middle-aged women entering same-sex relationships
I asked him to wait a bit because I wanted to clear my mind first and then come out to my parents at my own pace and my own way. But he didn’t want to, so I had to call my parents right away and it wasn’t easy. Mom was shocked and said, “You have to stick a little bit of everything on a date, don’t you?” But she was quick to back it up. My parents were very reasonable, but it all happened so fast that I had to deal with it one by one.
At the time, the two children were 15 and 12, and they both needed my comfort. They have to deal with the divorce of their parents and the mother coming out at the same time, but fortunately they are very reasonable. The two children were of course surprised to find out that they didn’t know the important identity of their mother, but they didn’t ask many questions at the time.
I think every parent has a variety of identities: we can be moms, we can go out partying with friends at night, but the two kids only see me as a mom. More important to them is the imminent separation of their parents, which has a bigger impact on their lives.
Further reading:The status quo of lesbian relationships in the suburbs: “Where are all the lesbians?”
Later, as my two children gradually realized the transformation that my coming out would bring, they did find it weird to see me and my first girlfriend holding hands and making out. My younger son especially found it difficult and uncomfortable. When I broke up with my first girlfriend, he asked if I could be with a man again. However, we have always spoken freely to each other and will not regard any subject as taboo.
We have a lot of LGBTQ friends, so they learned from childhood that some men and women like same-sex, and some men and women like it, and it’s no big deal.
My husband moved out a few months later and I felt a little overwhelmed with the loss of my best friend. We then officially divorced and we have little contact now. He has a new partner, but neither of us have any grudges. Everyone just starts over and starts a new life.
true self
I decided to sign up for a dating site. I was very nervous on a first date, but even with a guy it’s the same, after all I’ve been with the same guy for 16 years.But that date felt good too, I finally felt“This is the real me”, I feel much more at ease. While the two sons found it hard to accept at the time, I knew they would have this reaction even when dating a man, because the one who was with the mom wasn’t the dad.
Further reading:True Love: ‘My Husband Transgendered, But We’re Still Together’
Dating a woman feels very different. Women are very emotional, sometimes sweet indeed, but also full of fire when arguing. I’ve been through a few breakups now and understand that breaking up with a woman is a whole other level of drama.
I now have the perfect new partner and the relationship is going well. We live in a small town in west Cornwall and I do consider myself the only gay in the village. I sometimes feel like my neighbors will refer to me privately as “that lesbian,” but I’m lucky not to.
I was worried about the two kids being bullied, but no one seemed to care about my identity. If it had happened when I was in my teens, it would have been very different. However, I decided to move to Manchester to start a new life. The gay atmosphere there is stronger and it brings me more new experiences and experiences.
fresh start
I also got a new job because of this experience. I didn’t have anyone around me who came out after marrying a man, and the loneliness drove me to talk to my life mentor, who said I’d be great for mentoring others, so now I’m a life mentor, specifically mentoring members of the LGBTQ community.
Many, like me, came out in middle age. We try to live with the status quo, all because heterosexual hegemony makes us feel like this is how our lives are supposed to be. So we’ve been doing our best to endure and try to live the life that a good other person expects, but at a certain point, you suddenly feel:“I really can’t go on like this.”
If you had told me a few years ago that I would come out, date women and move to Manchester, I would have asserted that it was impossible. Now I’m happier and more comfortable than before, I never imagined life would be so full.
To learn more about the life coaching provided by Anna, please visit www.annavmartin.co.uk
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