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Infidelity: the advice of our sexologist to rebuild
Within an exclusive couple, the discovery of infidelity is often experienced as a real shock. How to face this betrayal and rebuild, whether alone or in pairs? Our sexologist Alexandra Hubin gives her advice.
Routine, lack of communication, feelings that wither… So many phenomena that some couples face and that can be reasons for breaking up. Among these reasons, we also find unfaithfulness, defined by Alexandra Hubin, sexologist and founder of SexoPositive like “a tacit or explicit contract which has been established and which is not respected”.
Within exclusive couples, infidelity can take on different aspects: for some people, the simple fact of seeing their partner fantasizing about someone else is considered infidelity, while others do not use this term only when there is sexual relationship. Anyway, discovering the deception of his or her partner “creates a narcissistic wound that is difficult to overcome”notes the sexologist.
Whether you finally choose to end the relationship or continue it, there are different steps to follow in order to rebuild yourself. And for good reason : “All the things we were convinced of suddenly shatter,” explains Alexandra Hubin. She shares her advice for coping with this painful and complex situation.
How to deal with the infidelity of his or her partner?
- Take the time to take the shock
The discovery of infidelity can be experienced as a veritable tsunami. Faced with such upheaval, everyone reacts in their own way, whether by shouting, crying or withdrawing into oneself. The only thing to keep in mind? “Take the time you need. There is no one method that is better than the other. The one that suits you will be the best for you”assure Alexandra Hubin.
“Why ?”. Anyone who has faced infidelity has already asked themselves this question. While it is normal and useful to be in search of meaning, it is important to keep in mind that infidelity is “rarely a question of cause and effect”, underlines the sexologist. It is multifactorial, and beyond questions related to sexual satisfaction or feeling lover, “sometimes it’s the desire to live differently” or “adrenaline rush” which is the cause of infidelity. Without questioning herself, Alexandra Hubin nevertheless recommends going in search of meaning, by questioning what in the couple and daily life could have participated in this upheaval.
Discover an infidelity, it also means being faced with a decision to make: leave or stay. If some wish to try to make this “terribly negative experience something positive”others believe that the broken trust cannot be repaired and decide to put an end to their relationship. “It will be your choice and it is important”underlines the sexologist.
How to rebuild your relationship after being cheated on?
Your decision is made: you want to give your couple a chance, despite your partner’s infidelity. For this to work, it is essential to start again on a healthy and serene basis, together. How to achieve it?
- Communicate with your partner
We know that communication is essential in a couple. This is all the more true after an ordeal such as that of infidelity. “The key word is obviously authenticity, being able to talk about the situation”, underlines the sexologist. However, it is important to be clear about what you are able to hear or not and to verbalize it. If knowing the details of infidelity allows some to have “a feeling of control”, it has a negative impact on others and causes difficulties “to reconnect in a sexuality because of flashes, images that appear even during intimate moments”explains Alexandra Hubin.
- Listen to yourself and evacuate negative emotions
After an infidelity, the process of reconstruction can be long and the path strewn with pitfalls. The will to forgive alone is often not enough to overcome and “it makes sense to be overwhelmed by feelings of sadness or even anger”, underlines the sexologist. The watchword, faced with such emotions ? Listen to yourself! And listening to yourself is also knowing how to do yourself good: “It’s you who will know what you can do to try to evacuate these negative emotions”, whether it involves a simple hot bath or a boxing lesson.
- Reconnect to each other
How to reconnect with the other and find the intimacy of a couple after infidelity? “Some people are going to need to get back to bed very quickly, as if to reassure themselves that they are on the right track”, explains Alexandra Hubin. For others, this process will take longer, and take the form of a beginning relationship. The partners will then “again gradually learning to get closer, learning to touch, learning to love, learning to make love“.
It will be understood: each story is different and in the face of infidelity, everyone reacts in their own way. There is therefore no miracle recipe to deal with it. “It will leave an imprint, but the road to reconstruction will be gradual, at your own pace, and that’s what you have to listen to above all”concludes Alexandra Hubin.
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