The energy crisis is apparently over: a new power plant is generating electricity from the rotating coffin of ex-Chancellor Bruno Kreisky. Austria is thus self-sufficient – a huge success for SPÖ leader Pamela Rendi-Wagner and Hans Peter Doskozil.
VIENNA – It’s a tranquil day at the Vienna Central Cemetery. Cemetery gardener Christian Martschitsch makes his morning rounds of the grounds, watering flowers and shooting several mushroom zombies infected by AMA-certified food.
But then came the shock: in the corner of his eye, Martschitsch spotted two piles of earth next to the grave of former Chancellor Bruno Kreisky. He looks curiously into the glowing hole in the ground, which is already kilometers deep. He crosses himself several times, kisses his Toni Faber rosary and runs away.
science amazed
Shortly afterwards: OMV pushes lines into the hole in the ground and connects the rotating coffin to a power plant. “It has the power of millions of wind turbines. I have never seen anything like this before. The coffin is apparently driven by anger, pain and desperation from the afterlife, we cannot fully explain this phenomenon yet,” reacts Michaela Vasiljevic, a physicist at the Montanuniversität Leoben.
“Until now, we thought the SPÖ was a black hole that sucks up every kind of matter and energy, but that’s probably not the case.” The Central Cemetery South power plant could supply all Austrian households with cheap energy this year.
closing ranks
“The best social policy is good energy policy,” said Rendi-Wagner and Doskozil happily at a joint press conference in the Grinzinger Heurigen “Am Abgrund”. It was only possible to achieve success through solidarity within the party.
Rendi-Wagner gives her opponent his hand, Doskozil grabs it and wants to twist it, but Rendi-Wagner defends himself with a powerful roundhouse kick in his crotch – it’s dignified pictures like these that are supposed to win people back to social democracy ( 10 euros per month on DAZN in the Wrestling+ additional package).
Not sustainable
But is the power plant really climate-friendly? “Not really,” complains Daniel Wallner of Greenpeace. “The post office has to transport tons of open letters from Eisenstadt to Löwelstrasse every day. To keep the coffin rotating requires the ejection of enormous amounts of hot air and empty speech bubbles.” However, the lack of media appearances has so far limited the damage.
The party is already working on other options for alternative power generation. “We have now attached a dynamo to each official’s forehead. Whenever you grab your head during a speech by Rendi-Wagner, he turns a little further. That means up to 50 watts a day.” This means that even the Windows 95 computer on which a suicidal chimpanzee dependent on Hillinger-Wein types Doskozil’s letters can continue to run.
The SPÖ wants to draw more resources from the afterlife in the future. The party leadership is now talking about a new hope for young people that should bring a breath of fresh air. Nothing is official yet, but behind closed doors officials confirm talks with Rudi Hundstorfer (†) about a Ouija Board.
Unfortunate twist
Although it is the SPÖ’s sole merit that Austria is now energy self-sufficient, party leader Rendi-Wagner does not manage to claim the success of the century: the FPÖ grows by a further 2%.
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