2023-11-25 19:59:19
‘It was a little push, don’t exaggerate’, ‘I swear I won’t do it again, it was the first time, I love you’, ‘Do you see what you made me do? I didn’t want to hit you, it’s your fault’, are some of the phrases that are most repeated in a relationship tormented by a violent man. But you are not alone. Remember that you are stronger than him, you are worth much more than those screams and hits, you have the ability to stop that situation. He is not going to change, but you do have time to do so.
Lizbeth Cueva on Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women (VIDEO: Estefanny Valladares)
Today, Saturday, November 25, is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women and psychologist Lizbeth Cueva explains the warning indicators, what to do after the first blow, but above all how to get out of that network of abuse.
Doctor, does a violent man give warning signs?
Of course, mostly it is the intolerance of the partner’s mistakes, the impulses, what girls often say ‘oh, he’s a slanderer’. But be very careful because behind that rant there may be an aggressive man. They are men who somehow impose their point of view and minimize your opinions.
Do victims also repeat a pattern of behavior?
The vast majority are very submissive, sensitive and emotional. They come from homes where they have not received emotional presence from parents. This does not mean that she grew up without a father, but rather that he did not have a significant impact on her daughter’s emotional side.
They come to believe they are the saviors…
They have this speech of ‘I feel sorry for you’, ‘poor thing’. They believe that they always have to help and that is where they assume the role of savior and rescuer. ‘You don’t know him, he seems very hard and cold but when he is with me he is very affectionate’, ‘He cries, he suffers, but you don’t know anything because you don’t see’. At first they justify, they feel sorry, they always want to help, they think that they will not be loved by anyone else.
Psychological violence is the prelude to physical violence…
That’s right, but it’s very subjective, they don’t realize it and they don’t give it importance. They minimize the situation. Understand that it is not a bad mood, it is not part of a bad day, it is not a bad character or being a slanderer. It’s violence!
You have to understand that…
It all starts as a joke. They ‘nudge’ them, tell them ‘you don’t know anything’ and then they laugh. These are camouflaged signs of violence.
What comes next?
The humiliations and insults. But it happens that many times they think it is part of an argument and they normalize this behavior. Of course arguing is part of a relationship, but no one has to physically or psychologically violate you.
How to act when faced with the first blow?
That first blow should be the sign of what comes next: a torment in the relationship and not ruling out that they could make an attempt on your life.
What to do then?
The first thing is to talk about what happened, tell someone close to you. Don’t think you need to have a black eye or a bleeding face to just report it and say ‘it’s physical violence.’ A push, a hair pull, a neck squeeze is violence.
How to overcome this traumatic situation?
Overcoming does not mean erasing what has been experienced. The violence you suffered will always be there. Overcoming is accepting that you lived in a violent relationship, but that you also decided to get out of it and now you are going to face another reality.
Will you be able to get ahead with therapy?
Therapy helps me realize what my concept of love is, what beliefs I have about couples, how I love, how I have been loved, but above all, how I would like to be loved.
As long as there is life, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel…
Always. Don’t expect to stop feeling afraid to speak and report. It is in your hands to stop this situation. Find someone to be your support. A family member, a friend, a neighbor, there is always someone. Please talk. Getting out of this alone is very difficult. Once you escape the relationship, seek professional help.
That stormy relationship doesn’t have to define your future…
Violence or a blow received does not have to mark your life. You are a human being who has the ability to recover. You just need determination and understanding that you are worth more than you imagine. Outside of that environment that you have known as ‘love’, there is a wonderful life and a concept of healthy love.
If you are a woman and you are suffering any type of violence, or you are part of a family group and you find yourself in a situation of violence, you can request support from the Ministry of Women and Vulnerable Populations (MIMP) throughout Peru, to the Women’s Emergency (CEM), the Urgent Care Service (SAU) and the Temporary Refuge Home (HRT). You can also contact Line 100 or Chat 100.
“Going to a psychologist is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of taking charge of your emotions and loving life,” explains psychologist Juliana Sequera.
Don’t shut up about abuse! You are a valuable person and you deserve to be happy
Empower yourself! You are stronger and more warrior than you think
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