In an essay published on HuffPost, historian Lucinda Myles McCray reflects on caring for her estranged ex-husband, Lee, following his diagnoses of Parkinson’s disease and Lewy body dementia, examining how shared history outlasts divorce.
McCray and Lee met in 1977 and married on January 7, 1978. They raised four sons, including a set of twins born between 1980 and 1983, before divorcing in 2010 after 32 years of marriage. Following the split, both had separate relationships and maintained virtually no contact until the weddings of their twins in 2016 forced a rapprochement.
“Conversation was initially awkward, then slid into familiar patterns,” McCray wrote in her HuffPost essay, describing how old memories built scaffolding for a new, grown-up friendship. She said that their separation had been difficult because they had to disentangle decades of shared possessions and social circles.
Shortly before his 78th birthday in 2019, Lee received diagnoses of Parkinson’s disease and Lewy body dementia. After his girlfriend contacted the family stating she could not manage his care, McCray stepped in to help organize his chaotic home, clear out decades of research notes, and eventually find a memory care facility in Minneapolis during the COVID-19 pandemic.
On March 20, 2020, McCray drove 1,000 miles to Minneapolis. She planned to assist with the care of her two granddaughters, then aged 2 and 4, enabling their parents to work from home while she remained near family. Prior to her permanent move, she spent three weeks clearing Lee’s four-room library and sorting through 50 years of financial documents and teaching materials.
Parkinson’s disease and Lewy body dementia caused severe physical and cognitive decline. Lee lost the ability to read, write, or move without pain, though his long-term memory remained intact. Through rambling conversations about old colleagues and trips, they sustained a connection.
“What is our relationship now?” Lee asked during his final years. McCray responded, “We are dear old friends.”
McCray’s involvement in Lee’s end-of-life care sparked an unexpected family reunification, bringing their adult sons together for holidays, backyard barbecues, and shared care decisions. By late November 2022, Lee entered hospice care.
McCray spent her days visiting his wheelchair, feeding him pinches of coffee cake, and requesting increased morphine doses from hospice nurses to ease his discomfort. Lee passed away peacefully on a sunny February afternoon with his eldest son by his side. Following his death, McCray organized a memorial service held the Saturday before Father’s Day, managing logistics such as flower deliveries and catering.
- HuffPost Personal: Years After Our Divorce, I Helped My Ex-Husband Die.
