It is the beginning of a new era: Chinese President Xi Jinping and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin decided today in Moscow to build a common future. The foundation of the glorious cooperation was laid today: the two heads of state opened a building savings account at Raiffeisenbank Russia.
MOSCOW – “Hello, Ni hao, fill up the tank and wash your windows, please,” says Xi, smiling as he climbs off the plane and strolls through Moscow’s Vnukovo government airport. He always enjoys coming to Russia, his undisputed favorite gas station.
Gas station attendant and President Vladimir Putin insists on personally looking after his most important customers and accompanying them over the red carpet, which is otherwise only rolled out for the Austrian Chancellor Karl Nehammer.
There are heartwarming, harmonious scenes between the two friends. While the plane is being refueled, Putin invites everyone to his presidential residence for coffee and cake. Today he has a special surprise for his “Partner in War Crime” (quote: TASS).
Great goodies
“My good old friend Xi, please close your eyes,” says Putin and disappears into the next room. Xi covers his eyes and nervously rocks back and forth in his chair. “My dear friend, don’t keep me in suspense.” Then the time has finally come: Putin shows Xi his brand new Burton backpack. He is now officially part of the Raika family. Xi fights back tears and strokes the aggressively ugly fabric.
Xi opens the backpack and recoils, moved, before presenting his followers with a yellow and black striped Sumsi pen, a Hermann Maier spirit level (filled with Hermann Maier’s urine) and a Marcel Hirscher drone. Thunderous applause from Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov and 400 FSB agents present.
But Xi gets serious for a moment: “Should we really go with you? those Make transactions? I worry about China’s reputation. And what if we stop depositing? Are we then going to end up in solitary confinement in one of those Lower Austrian fool towers, that warehouse?”
“But go. Hold on, Xi: I negotiated 2.25 percent interest out of us,” boasts Putin. Xi smiles mildly: “Us? You mean me.” He puts the folder with the ELBA access data in his pocket. Putin swallows and stares at the floor in embarrassment.
Everything under one roof
Raika consultant Christian Ernst from the Hollabrunn branch sits smiling in the corner. He closes the folder with the signed contracts: “Sodawasser, the Bausparer will come out in 2031, gentlemen. There’s bound to be a fine prefab Uyghur re-education camp somewhere in Xinjiang, or a pretty elk torture bungalow in Siberia. And now please excuse me, I have to go on to the Congo, where a rebel leader wants to open a few sumsi accounts for his child soldiers.”
hurt feelings
Meanwhile in Vienna. A sad Karl Nehammer puts his iPad aside with the live ticker for the meeting, grabs his eighth glass of fruit brandy and reminisces. The chancellor opens his Whatsapp chat with Putin and stares apathetically at two blue ticks. Putin read his last message, but his pleading messages go unanswered.
“Yes, I get it anyway, the Xi simply has the larger gas holder. But Wladi didn’t even say goodbye,” he murmurs dejectedly and drowns his worries about the unclear future of their friendship in clear homemade alcohol.
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