Becoming an adult is exhilarating, but also scary. For some, the stage is so difficult to cross that they prefer to remain in childhood.
Instead of accepting to grow up, some adults feel the need to remain children all their lives. They then lock themselves into so-called “pre-adult” behaviors or thoughts, refusing to assume any form of responsibility. From difficulty channeling their emotions, to the need to sleep with their cuddly toy, all extremes are possible. We also speak of the “Peter Pan syndrome”, in reference to the famous Disney character, nicknamed “ the boy who didn’t want to grow up “. How to recognize this syndrome? The point with Eudes Séméria, psychologist and author of the book The four fears that prevent us from living (Albin Michel).
How to define this syndrome?
« It is the refusal or the fear to grow, that is to say to pass from an infantile or pre-adult thought to an adult thought “, describes Eudes Séméria. This concept was popularized by American psychologist Dan Kiley to characterize emotionally immature adults who become walled in in their youth. Although it is not recognized in the international psychiatric reference manual (the WHO classification or CIM-10), this disorder is “ a psychological coping mechanism in the face of the anguish of moving irreversibly from the status of a child to that of an adult. Growing up, this is manifested in particular by the fear of the dark, ofgo to bed, to be alone or to move around unaccompanied. “ It is also the afraid to call to drive or to disobey his parents even at 40-50 years old, even to introduce someone to them, because this supposes an entry into the sexual life “, adds the psychologist.
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When does the refusal to grow up become pathological?
« It becomes pathological from the moment there is suffering », says Eudes Séméria. These people suffer because their life is generally full of constraints: professional or sentimental failures, difficulties in progressing in their profession… transition to adulthood is a delicate step. Some will therefore seek to dodge it.
How to diagnose Peter Pan syndrome?
A strong anxiety and the affective dependance are good markers of this disorder. “ Patients feeling empty, worthless, excessively shy, are common signs “, enumerates Eudes Séméria. They are added to agitation, procrastination, rumination of ideas at night which prevent sleep, for example. In isolation, these symptoms are not disturbing. According to the psychologist, patients are generally well aware that they have this thought of a child in an adult body “. Often they come for help because they feel out of place. “ Adults who are afraid of growing up have difficulty facing the big existential questions of awareness of death, loneliness, finding or giving meaning to one’s life and decision-making. “, details Eudes Séméria. All these questions frighten the child, until now preserved in his parental bubble.
Pre-adult thinking is characterized by:
- The inability to self-limit: for example in food typically, these “ disguised children fail to stop eating.
- The tendency to think in a circular way. The person focuses on the problems, on “ what is wrong instead of trying to find solutions. “ For example, it is the case of a person who wishes to set up a business but who retracts because of the difficulties and prefers not to start at all », Illustrates Eudes Séméria.
- The fact of reason without nuance, that is to say, to see either everything as negative, or everything as positive, or else to jump to conclusions by neglecting the stages of reasoning (with a user manual for example).
- A thought “ Magic » with the idea that supernatural powers are responsible for the events or which occur or for his own actions. They will thus have thought rituals of the type god will help me » or « fate will help me ».
- At the level of representation skills, these people may also have difficulty remembering the past, projecting themselves realistically into the future, and orienting themselves in space. “ The perception of relationships is also very difficult, with a tendency to be autocentré without making themselves available to others, or on the contrary to be constantly at the service of others concludes Eudes Séméria.
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What are the causes of Peter Pan syndrome?
According to Eudes Séméria, there would be no particular cause. Everything depends on the way in which one perceives the stakes of existence, the family context and the means of reassuring oneself about existential anxieties. The fear of growing up may be fed by a trauma of childhood such as bereavement, a form of abuse, parental divorce, etc. “ But trauma is not a systematic condition “, nuances the psychologist. An aggravating factor is the behavior of some parents such as overprotection or, conversely, the delegation of responsibilities on her child, who feels obliged to mature more quickly to carry this mental load. This can happen if a parent is unwell or depressed, for example. But the causes remain very variable. “ A child sometimes develops this fear when he has measured parents, simply because, it must be admitted, growing up is scary. “, explains the psychologist.
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Can Peter Pan syndrome be cured?
Psychological work depends on the personal motivation of the patient to cross the threshold of childhood. Then, the therapeutic solution, with a psychological framework, will make it possible to concretize the project of becoming an adult, in particular by deconstructing the associated fears.
How to do it concretely?
- Learn to with locate in time. « Personally, I work a lot on the narrative aspect of life with my patients by asking them to try to remember their past and see how far they have forgotten “, explains Eudes Séméria.
- Work on orientation in space with simple exercises. For example, forcing yourself to learn the names of streets.
- Learn to with also be in the relationshiptemporizing his emotions, trying to give more space to others outside the parental figure.
- Learn to make one’s own choices. It will be a question of working on your critical spirit by trying to give your opinion on a current event or a debate.
In certain circumstances, anxiety can also lead to depressive states. In this case, a multidisciplinary framework with drug treatment may be necessary. “ But be careful, the drugs do not cure the syndrome . They can nevertheless help to find a form of mental stability prior to work on oneself. “, underlines the psychologist.